Man, how did a quarter of the year already come and go? It hardly seems possible. That is also how I feel about life sometimes. I turned around and all the sudden I was thirty-three years old. Did I really graduate from high school all those years ago?
This line of thought was brought up because the company that I work for wants us to think that they are taking care of us and are concerned about our health. I know you are thinking that they might have picked up the tab for our crappy health insurance or started affording us quality, healthy lunches free of cost. That would have been nice.
Instead they brought in a medical team to a “drive-by” wellness test. Overall, things are pretty good with me. My blood pressure and blood sugar is good. My weight is a little over but my body fat percentage is better than I expected. The only real hiccup is that my bad cholesterol is good and my good cholesterol is bad. My number on my good cholesterol is too low.
I’ve already started a switch and after the test I am now eating Cheerios on my breaks as opposed to a doughnut from the bakery. I’m also going to get on an Omega-3 supplement. And of course, I plan on taking the test to my doctor now that I finally have health insurance and go over the numbers with him.
All and all, I would say it went better than I expected. Some of the people got notes that said that they needed to get to a doctor right away. How scary is that? I wanted the tech to look at my results and say, “Do you have any next of kin for us to contact?” But I was in good shape.
Of course, when asked how my test went, I told most of the hot girls that I had only minutes to live… and then asked them if they wanted to make out. Not a single taker. Damn it.
But all and all, I was pretty satisfied.
This line of thought was brought up because the company that I work for wants us to think that they are taking care of us and are concerned about our health. I know you are thinking that they might have picked up the tab for our crappy health insurance or started affording us quality, healthy lunches free of cost. That would have been nice.
Instead they brought in a medical team to a “drive-by” wellness test. Overall, things are pretty good with me. My blood pressure and blood sugar is good. My weight is a little over but my body fat percentage is better than I expected. The only real hiccup is that my bad cholesterol is good and my good cholesterol is bad. My number on my good cholesterol is too low.
I’ve already started a switch and after the test I am now eating Cheerios on my breaks as opposed to a doughnut from the bakery. I’m also going to get on an Omega-3 supplement. And of course, I plan on taking the test to my doctor now that I finally have health insurance and go over the numbers with him.
All and all, I would say it went better than I expected. Some of the people got notes that said that they needed to get to a doctor right away. How scary is that? I wanted the tech to look at my results and say, “Do you have any next of kin for us to contact?” But I was in good shape.
Of course, when asked how my test went, I told most of the hot girls that I had only minutes to live… and then asked them if they wanted to make out. Not a single taker. Damn it.
But all and all, I was pretty satisfied.
Of course, I refused to share this information with my wife and children. Instead I came home yelling for the house to be picked up and “my dinner on the table, woman!” As is the standard fare in the Foley house. The only way they might learn of my health is if they read this blog but I monitor all their communications and website activity, so I think I am safe.
I know a lot of you pro-marriage zealots are shaking your heads and saying, “Ryan, communication is the key to a good marriage.” Whenever people tell me that, I scream at them, degrading their intelligence and genetics and then read them this passage from the book that has changed my life more than all others:
A Relevant Excerpt from Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (and So Can You!)
Dad’s got to protect the weaker minds of his wife and offspring from the burden of worry. He can’t show any signs of indecision, financial trouble, or even sickness. That’s why it is imperative that fathers never go to the doctor. They might find out something is wrong—knowledge which they could never share.* The crushing burden of stuffing emotion for decades is our nation’s number one killer of dads. Or it should be.
A Relevant Excerpt from Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (and So Can You!)
Dad’s got to protect the weaker minds of his wife and offspring from the burden of worry. He can’t show any signs of indecision, financial trouble, or even sickness. That’s why it is imperative that fathers never go to the doctor. They might find out something is wrong—knowledge which they could never share.* The crushing burden of stuffing emotion for decades is our nation’s number one killer of dads. Or it should be.
*A corollary to this rule is that dads should buy a lot of life insurance. I mean tons. Enough to make the cops suspicious when he dies.
1 comment:
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