In my 9-to-5 job, I must suffer through Musak. Now, sometimes, it is pretty good music. I will give credit where credit is due. Just the other day I did hear “Can’t You See” by the Marshall Tucker Band, which is a great song. I have heard a wide variety of music including things like classic rock, the occasional modern rock, and even a few pop songs that are pretty good. Unfortunately, there is a yang to the yin, and this takes the form of knock-kneed yee-haw country. And an unfortunate music form that is the major source of the topic of this blog. But like every master storyteller, let’s not take you there directly.
Let’s say that you work with a person that is mentally challenged. For the sake of the story, let’s call him Clarence. Now, Clarence is an employee with a penchant for giving fellow male employees a “How-do-you-do.” This is where a person makes the “thumbs up” gesture and proceeds to stealth up behind you and rakes his extended thumb from the bottom of your butt crack to the small of your back, particularly when you are bent over working in a compromising position. I am not certain if this term is featured at UrbanDictionary.com but if not, you heard it here first. TM and Patent Pending.
Now, you don’t hate Clarence because he is retarted. You hate him because of the constantly invasive How-do-you-dos. You hate him in spite of his retardation, not because of it. You can’t hate someone because of a condition they are born with (skin color, nose size, hair color, etc.) because they cannot control that aspect of their life. But a person who gives you the aforementioned rude gesture is doing it of his or her own free will. And this you CAN hate them for.
And yet, if you are in the breakroom, having suffered one of Clarence’s indignations previously in the day, you cannot say, “I hate that Clarence guy” without some sort of preamble. Because if you do, people will automatically think you hate the mentally challenged.
Now, I present this scenario to prove a point.
I HATE Christian music.
Now, if I just would have started this blog with that sentence, the snap decision people make without reading more of the blog is that I am some form of atheist or, even worse, a God hater and the death threats and hateful emails would have started directly. But allow me to explain.
In Hollywood, no one wants to be first and everyone wants to be second. Batman & Robin became a colossal joke and super hero movies stood on a precipice. Thankfully, someone was brave enough to say, “Let’s make a Rated-R super hero movie.” Film executives were skeptical. Wary. But then Blade turned in fat bank. The door was open to create thoughtful, character driven stories that didn’t have to involve day-glow street thugs fighting a Batmobile that stupidly drove up walls. Blade gives rise to X-Men. X-Men gives rise to Spider-Man. Spider-Man gives rise to Iron Man. And the list goes on. Spider-Man causes a rethinking of the DC franchises and we get Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. We get to see Heath Ledger as The Joker. The world rejoices and studios make a profit.
I think that the music industry has to follow a similar formula and, clearly, somewhere during the secret cabal meetings that forward the progress of our country, there was a meeting of brand merchandising between various record companies and the religious leaders. And the leaders of these two organizations must have decided that Christian music needs to follow the same sappy and wuss-dog formula of the first Christian singer to really make it big – whoever that shlub is.
Now, if you look at the message of Jesus, it is my understanding that all his teachings basically boiled down to one message. “Be excellent to each other and party on, dudes.” Wait. That might have been Abe Lincoln in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure… But the basic tenant was: Love one another. Be a good person. Live a good life.
Now, I am not adverse to music that teaches this maxim. Nickelback has a song that is really popular right now called “If Today Was Your Last Day.” It is a great song with a message that basically says to love one another. Be a good person. Live a good life. And I love that song. The message is great.
Go against the grain. You can’t turn back time. You can’t live twice. Forgive your enemies. And what I think is the best line in the song, “Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?”
See? Now that is a song I can get behind and they are basically saying everything that I think Jesus would say if he were around today. They are promoting a lifestyle that God would look upon and smile. And it also happens to have great music and kick ass drums… It is just a great song…
But then there are all these songs sung by people with no balls who whine about how much they love God and I just cannot stand it. It is wuss rock. And I don’t hate it because it is about God. I hate it because they all follow the same “No Testicular Fortitude Formula.” And yet, if I start a conversation with “Man, I hate Christian music,” I would be perceived by most as Anti-God or some type of atheist.
This is the conundrum. How can you detest Retarted Clarence without being perceived as a jerk yourself? How can you hate Christian music without seeming Anti-Christian? This is a question I have been wondering about and so it makes it into my blog.
Man, I need to get back to talkin’ about comic books or video games. All this thinking makes my head hurt… So if you will excuse me, I am going to follow some good advice and make my mark by mending a broken heart. Ladies, call for your appointment. It’s $500 for the hour or $2K for the whole night. Just leave Retarded Clarence at home. I hate that guy…
Let’s say that you work with a person that is mentally challenged. For the sake of the story, let’s call him Clarence. Now, Clarence is an employee with a penchant for giving fellow male employees a “How-do-you-do.” This is where a person makes the “thumbs up” gesture and proceeds to stealth up behind you and rakes his extended thumb from the bottom of your butt crack to the small of your back, particularly when you are bent over working in a compromising position. I am not certain if this term is featured at UrbanDictionary.com but if not, you heard it here first. TM and Patent Pending.
Now, you don’t hate Clarence because he is retarted. You hate him because of the constantly invasive How-do-you-dos. You hate him in spite of his retardation, not because of it. You can’t hate someone because of a condition they are born with (skin color, nose size, hair color, etc.) because they cannot control that aspect of their life. But a person who gives you the aforementioned rude gesture is doing it of his or her own free will. And this you CAN hate them for.
And yet, if you are in the breakroom, having suffered one of Clarence’s indignations previously in the day, you cannot say, “I hate that Clarence guy” without some sort of preamble. Because if you do, people will automatically think you hate the mentally challenged.
Now, I present this scenario to prove a point.
I HATE Christian music.
Now, if I just would have started this blog with that sentence, the snap decision people make without reading more of the blog is that I am some form of atheist or, even worse, a God hater and the death threats and hateful emails would have started directly. But allow me to explain.
In Hollywood, no one wants to be first and everyone wants to be second. Batman & Robin became a colossal joke and super hero movies stood on a precipice. Thankfully, someone was brave enough to say, “Let’s make a Rated-R super hero movie.” Film executives were skeptical. Wary. But then Blade turned in fat bank. The door was open to create thoughtful, character driven stories that didn’t have to involve day-glow street thugs fighting a Batmobile that stupidly drove up walls. Blade gives rise to X-Men. X-Men gives rise to Spider-Man. Spider-Man gives rise to Iron Man. And the list goes on. Spider-Man causes a rethinking of the DC franchises and we get Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. We get to see Heath Ledger as The Joker. The world rejoices and studios make a profit.
I think that the music industry has to follow a similar formula and, clearly, somewhere during the secret cabal meetings that forward the progress of our country, there was a meeting of brand merchandising between various record companies and the religious leaders. And the leaders of these two organizations must have decided that Christian music needs to follow the same sappy and wuss-dog formula of the first Christian singer to really make it big – whoever that shlub is.
Now, if you look at the message of Jesus, it is my understanding that all his teachings basically boiled down to one message. “Be excellent to each other and party on, dudes.” Wait. That might have been Abe Lincoln in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure… But the basic tenant was: Love one another. Be a good person. Live a good life.
Now, I am not adverse to music that teaches this maxim. Nickelback has a song that is really popular right now called “If Today Was Your Last Day.” It is a great song with a message that basically says to love one another. Be a good person. Live a good life. And I love that song. The message is great.
Go against the grain. You can’t turn back time. You can’t live twice. Forgive your enemies. And what I think is the best line in the song, “Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?”
See? Now that is a song I can get behind and they are basically saying everything that I think Jesus would say if he were around today. They are promoting a lifestyle that God would look upon and smile. And it also happens to have great music and kick ass drums… It is just a great song…
But then there are all these songs sung by people with no balls who whine about how much they love God and I just cannot stand it. It is wuss rock. And I don’t hate it because it is about God. I hate it because they all follow the same “No Testicular Fortitude Formula.” And yet, if I start a conversation with “Man, I hate Christian music,” I would be perceived by most as Anti-God or some type of atheist.
This is the conundrum. How can you detest Retarted Clarence without being perceived as a jerk yourself? How can you hate Christian music without seeming Anti-Christian? This is a question I have been wondering about and so it makes it into my blog.
Man, I need to get back to talkin’ about comic books or video games. All this thinking makes my head hurt… So if you will excuse me, I am going to follow some good advice and make my mark by mending a broken heart. Ladies, call for your appointment. It’s $500 for the hour or $2K for the whole night. Just leave Retarded Clarence at home. I hate that guy…
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