Soaring on Wings of a Film

Years ago, I discovered my true joy in music. Finding songs with lyrics too distracting to write to, I discovered a wonderful synergy while writing to Original Music Scores from films. With almost 250 soundtracks in my library, I like to think I have become a bit of an aficionado on the subject. Now, when a big movie is hitting, I always look to see who is doing the music for the film.
My favorite composer of all time is a gentleman by the name of Hans Zimmer and I am always on the lookout for new music from him. (I was super-stoked when he signed on for the new Batman film franchise.)
The problem with loving this type of music is the ability to spread this joy around to my friends. Thank goodness for YouTube.
There is an album of Zimmer’s called Wings of a Film, which is a live concert recording of his music. I have always said that if there were some miracle that Zimmer and an orchestra came to the BOK center, I would sign up faster than I did for Star Wars: In Concert. And I would probably pay more for tickets. Yeah, I love Zimmer’s work that much. If I could right music, I would want to be able to write like him. I can’t think of higher praise than that.
From Wings of Film, there is a track called “Thunderbird” from the movie Thelma & Louise. If ever there was a track that made me want to play guitar (short from Gary Hoey’s Auld Lang Syne), it is this track.
The music is long, almost 8 minutes in length. It starts slowly and then gradually builds and at about 5:22 the music just takes off into the stratosphere.
Greater indeed are pleasures that are shared, so this is my humble offering to you… Enjoy. And to Mr. Zimmer, thank you…

THUNDERBIRD

Once More Into the Breach…

It is coming, my friends. Can you sense it? It is the inevitable doom on the horizon and it is rushing at all of us like a black basalt wave under a moonless midnight sky. We can sense it, feel it in our bones, and we are powerless to stop its crushing, relentless assault. It is coming…
Valentine’s Day.
I heard on a radio add that two out of every three women are disappointed on Valentine’s Day. What is synonymous with the holiday? Flowers, chocolates, hearts, jewelry. It is a time for a man to put forth a display to showcase how much he loves his woman. And what do the women have to do for this holiday?
I asked several ladies at my job what they are doing for their men this Valentine’s Day. The most common answer given? Nothing. “I guess I’ll give him some…”
That is all women have to do on Valentine’s Day. Put out. That’s it. Now, don’t get me wrong, it is a fantastic gift and no man ever turns it down. But look at the stress and angina that we have to go through to get it.
Case in point, in one Facebook entry, a girl was commenting on how the cupid arrow had struck her boyfriend and the person said, “Wonder what he wants?” Now, the short answer is “let me get up in them guts.”
But regardless of what we do, men are screwed. Every second of every day. Women are often so self-conscious about their appearance that if a man comments on how pretty they look, then clearly we must be up to something. We must want something if we are being complimentary. It is like we always have an ulterior motive.
Now, maybe, 90% of the time we do. But that ulterior motive is to, again, get up in them guts.
But it is so nightmarishly unfair. Men run around looking to find all the perfect gifts. If you don’t buy her diamonds on Valentine’s Day, you don’t love her. Didn’t bring her flowers, you don’t love her. “Why didn’t you buy me chocolates? Marie’s husband bought her chocolates! Is it because I’m fat?”
And so, to quote my last blog entry, men get punch drunk. So, riddle me this, ladies. What are you doing for your man this Valentine’s Day? Throw you legs up in the air and maybe, if he’s lucky, get all the way naked? You promise not to wear the flannel footie pajamas to bed that night?
Romance is a two way street and just giving it up without an argument is not really much of a gift. I say this not to chastise but to educate. Try to see things from our point of view once in a while. By the previous rationale, Romance is like having us start at our own two-yard line to begin the drive but when you get the ball, you get to start in the Red Zone.
It’s all too easy for you all. We gird our loins and charge once more into the breach. And all you have to do is say, “Come and get it” or in some cases “Well, let’s get this over with…”

Ladies, you have it pretty darn easy. Maybe you should do something different and go out of the way for him for once… Weaker sex, my ass.

The Small, Subtle but Incredibly Important Differences

Biologists say that there is only a 3% biological difference between men and women. Those small, subtle differences are incredibly important in the game of life. But how different are men and women psychologically? Infinitely. How? Read on…

Now, many people ask me, “Ryan, you have a job in a produce department and you write comic books on the side. Clearly you are swimming in cash. [I know those first statements are not questions.] Why buy generics?” The answer to this question is that I like to stay connected to the common man. I don’t demand that the public carry me around on a palanquin – the things that they used to carry around the Pharaohs… (Although that certainly would make shopping at Wal-Mart easier.) But I do tend to go for the store brands and the generics to save a few pennies here and there. I am saving up for an ivory backscratcher.
Often times, generics can be a gamble. I have had some generic Raisin Bran that was like chewing cardboard and little nuggets of rubber. But then there have been pleasant surprises. The frozen Best Choice Garlic Bread is the best! But you have to have standards in your life. Certain aspects should not be compromised.
Seriously, are you buying condoms out of a markdown basket? I don’t think so…
We do tend to clip coupons and occasionally we change up our brands depending on how much money we can save. So it was quite a treat when Amy came home with Cottonelle toilet paper. I have always been a strong proponent that this is one area that cannot and should not be compromised in. And ever since they stopped making Aurora White, I have been particular about my choices for back there.
(A shiny dime to whoever can cite that pop culture reference first…)
Many of you are thinking, “C’mon, Ryan. A blog entry about your toilet paper usage? Have you just run out of stuff to talk about?” Fear not, true believers. All of this has been a prelude.
So with the coupon gravy train drying up (that reminds me, we need pet food), we went back to the standard Angel Soft – the Wal-Mart house brand of toilet paper. And I am not happy. So I tell my wife, “Man, that new toilet paper is horrible.”
Amy gets mad at me for this statement and fires back at me that it is the same brand we have used in the past and I need to get over it because I am just using it “to wipe my ass.” Yes, I married her for her demure attitude. And for the record, everyone likes to be pampered back there. I dare you to use hotel sandpaper grade TP for a week and then try to argue that point with me.
So with two prefaces out of the way, we come to the meat of the entry… You see, in her mind, what I said was that she made a horrible decision by buying it. Let me state that I was in no way raking Amy over the coals for her decision. I don’t know if they changed the formula or something but I don’t like it. And because of the packaging, you never really know how TP is going to feel. It’s a crapshoot. (Pun intended.) I guess you could crack open a package and test it on the aisle before purchase but I don’t think employees at said store are going to be very happy with you.
But toilet paper is not the issue here. Ladies, if your men tell you something, you cannot take it as a personal affront. Last time I checked, Amy is in no way connected with the manufacturing of Angel Soft nor does she sit on the board of directors. Therefore, she should take no personal insult towards my comment – but that is how it was perceived. It was like I walked in and said, “Hey moron, that toilet paper you bought was horrible.” Which could not be farther from the truth.
Could I have phrased my comment differently? Sure. In hindsight. What I should have said was, “Man, Angel Soft must have changed their formula or something because I do not remember it ever being that rough and scratchy. Next time, can we buy Cottonelle again?”
I see that now, again, in hindsight, because at the time, I had no idea that a sane person would take personal offense at the “hey, the TP is rough” comment. See, my problem was I was looking at the situation LOGICALLY. Clearly, trying to defeat a woman with logic is a losing battle. But this is just a symptom of the insanity of trying to deal with women. These are the battles we as men have to fight and clearly we are unarmed.
Why do you think poker players hate playing with amateurs? Because amateurs make insane moves that no pro would ever make. And trying to have a logical argument with a woman is like trying to have a boxing match with an psychotic because you never know what ammo those people are bringing to the party. At what point will they pull off their boxing gloves and attack you with a rubber ducky and a chain saw? How can you prepare for that or defend against it?
So after a while, men become punch drunk. We are tired of trying to box straight up against someone playing Duchess of Queensbury rules. I am armed with 16 oz. gloves and you are stepping into the ring with a cat o’ nine tails and an enema home kit and I don’t like your intentions with either…
As a result, men shut down. We quit fighting. At which point, wives get mad and complain to their friends. “I never know how he is feeling. He won’t talk to me.” Because last time, I told you I didn’t like toilet paper and you took it as a personal insult.

Husband: “I am not really sure I liked those capers in the eggplant.”
Wife: “Well, I can’t do anything right. You can do all the cooking from now on! I’m going off to slit my wrists in the bathtub! Call the coroner!”

See how we can’t fight that mentality? So rather than lose another argument, we just choose not to engage in it. We shut down. And you made us this way. Ladies, think about that from time to time. Be a little more understanding and open and we might not be so afraid to open up to you…

But truth be told, when you ask us what we are thinking about, 90% of the time, it really is boobs. That is just male nature. That’s one fight we surrendered to a long time ago and have no intention of winning…

The Power of Colbert Compels You!

The Thursday February 4th episode of The Colbert Report first aired at 11:30 p.m. Eastern time. In the show’s second segment, Stephen reported that a Canadian magazine nearly 100 years old was changing its title because it was being blocked by Internet porn filters. The title of the magazine was The Beaver. The company decided to change the name to Canada’s History. Colbert then called on his readership to go to UrbanDictionary.com and post entries under the title of Canada’s History of the most depraved sexual acts imaginable to ensure that Canada’s History would become a mainstream sexual term. (I don’t know if it will reach the popularity of the Dirty Sanchez, the Alabama Hot Pocket, or the Cosby Sweater…)
So I watched the episode this morning (God bless the DVR) and when I logged in at 10:10 a.m. Central time, there had been 409 entries on 59 pages of entries. That’s unbelievable. Man, I love Colbert and to quote one of his segments…

That’s the craziest f@#king thing I’ve ever heard… Hysterical!!!!

Cogs in the Machine

Man, it is strange how quickly things can change in the space of a month. My 9-to-5 Job has been tossed into a nightmarish upheaval that I have not really commented on here because I was waiting for the dust to kind of settle. For the uninitiated, I work in the produce department of a local grocery store. It’s glamorous, I know, and most of you are probably going to be sending me emails asking how I got so lucky. Still, it paid the bills while Amy was in school and it serves as an outlet for me now that she is working. Isolating into Hermitville is probably not best for me from a psychological standpoint.
So here it is in black and white. I’ve never pulled punches on here before so why stop here? (But names will be safeguarded to preserve reputations.) Shortly after Christmas, my boss decided to leave the company abruptly. 15 years of history wiped clean because of a deserved altercation between him and management. 15 years erased because of a crippling disease. Don’t drink, kids. It never ends up well. I still keep in contact with him and I hope he gets the help he needs. But if I were a betting man… Let’s move on.
So he is gone and my future was in jeopardy. But I have weathered the storm and slid through unscathed… like always. I’m like freaking Neo dodging bullets. But the hits just kept on coming.
A person that I considered one of my best friends has moved on to greener pastures as well. We did not work in the same department but it was someone that I would take breaks with and constantly joke around with. We’ve seen stripper boobs together and that gives you a certain unspoken bond. So like that, my friend – and I do consider him a true friend – is gone.
And here a few days ago, a second person from our department is prepping to leave. (That means that in the last two months we have lost 2/5th of our department.) And when you interchange that many people in small departments, the landscape changes dramatically.
Now, let’s add in the fact that the red tape of paperwork and the logistics of hiring someone often cripples our store. Which means it is probably time for me to step it up at work… again. “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” Why do things like this always happen when I am really in a groove and flowing with my writing?
Still, as John Donne once said, “No man is an island.” And it is amazing to me how one or two key changes can so dramatically affect the entire landscape of an organization.
Stop and look around every once in a while. How big a cog are you in your machine? Will people at your job miss you when you are gone? Will they celebrate? The most important thing in any person’s life is to feel necessary, to feel valued. Make people appreciate you tomorrow. Make them value your presence… because you never know when your last day might be.

“No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

--John Donne

What A Way To Make an Exit...

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.

But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing... things will happen...."

Conan O'Brien

01-22-10

Final Appearance as Host of the Tonight Show

Damn good advice. We miss you, Co-Co....