It's wierd the way “finger puppets” sounds okay as a noun. –Demetri Martin

Humor is often considered to be subjective. What those find funny, others might find moronic or even offensive. I don’t consider myself to be a tremendously highbrow individual. Let’s face it. A guy getting hit in the nertzs is pretty darn funny no matter how you slice it.
But true comedy, in my opinion, is something that is not tremendously funny initially but when taken out of context, it becomes hysterical. Like Haley’s Comet or the Aurora Borealis, such an instance of pure, perfect comedy is rare, possibly once in a lifetime. And when that happens, you must learn to embrace it.
Such an incident happened today at work.
Working in my department, I looked up from my work and saw an old woman. She was a retiree. Probably a grandmother of three. She was wearing a gray shirt that matched her hair and on that shirt was a logo. To look at it would make you say, “Awww, that is sweet. She’s an animal lover.”
And yet, if you take that same shirt and change the wearer, let’s say from her to—oh I don’t know—me, it becomes the greatest T-Shirt in the history of time.
Not having a camera on me, this is my attempt to recreate the shirt in Photoshop. And yes, I have already begun the Internet search for a version of the shirt to purchase myself.

God bless America.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

I think that mankind was created with the intent of being social creatures. After all, the most brutal form of punishment is to place a prisoner in solitary confinement. Human beings are designed to interact with one another. When I was working as a full time father, it was rare occasions that I would get to spend considerable amount of time with adults. And as such, during those rare times when I got to spend time with people who could carry on conversations, I was extremely happy.
I have gone to back to work at a job that I had through high school and college while Amy goes through her nursing program. It’s not like I have this massive amount of friends so you will see that about 50% of the people in my MySpace friends list are co-workers. Many of the kids that I work help keep me connected with the youth. There are times when I feel pretty old (I’ve ranted about this before) even though I’m only 32. But we were talking in the break room today and many didn’t know the song “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground. Am I really getting that old?
So, there are times where I just DO NOT want to go into work. The money is crap. I’m doing work that they could hire a high school kid to replace me to do. And it is pretty much the same thing day after day. I can stomach the job because I know that as soon as Amy finishes the nursing program, I am out. Still, it can be a frickin’ grind. But then some days come along and things do not seem so bad.
And when it happens, it is because of the coworkers. The great sage Jack Handy once said, “My dad felt laughter was the best medicine… which is why so many of us died from tuberculosis.” But when a select group of us can get together, tell stupid stories, and laugh at infantile jokes, things don’t seem that bad.
Today was one of those days.
It was a day where we busted rear early, got everything done, and then spent the rest of the day cruising along and filling holes as needed. This allowed for time to laugh at jokes and do just a little bit of clowning around in between filling cartloads of product.
I think there are times when you have to have that laughter to break the monotony and keep spirits up. In the end, I actually think that improves productivity. If you can leave at the end of the day smiling and laughing, that’s a good day. And then the strange thing is when I get home and tell my wife about my day, the stories are never as funny as the events themselves. Or at least, she doesn’t laugh nearly as hard as she should.
I’d like to think that is because is not in the mud and blood. She is not in the trenches with us, so maybe she can’t understand how the humor helps us cope.
Now, granted, I’m working in a grocery store. It is certainly not war (although it feels like it sometimes). But it is a thankless job. It’s a grunt job.
I think that if I were president, I would implement a policy where after you complete college, you have to serve one year in a grunt position (i.e. grocery store, Wal-Mart, fast food restaurant, convenience store) at minimum wage pay. I think that if everyone did that—from the snooty super rich all the way down to the lowest income worker—then people would walk away with respect for that job position. They would realize that those grunt positions are a tough job that doesn’t pay a lot of money and that even though they don’t earn a lot of money, the position still should earn you respect.
I think that if people did that, the world would be a better place…

One third of all explorers who visit the north and south pole develop bipolar disorder.

Dr. Cox: If I wanted my pateints to be more depressed, I’d just have them read Newbie’s latest blog entry.
JD: “Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome.”
Scrubs
My Fishbowl (2007)

NO SPOILERS!
So I re-emerge amongst the land of the living after going into self-imposed exile to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that was released on Saturday, July 21st. Being a long time fan of the book series, I was excited about the last book in the series and at the same time a little sad. It is strange to come to the end of an era.
I came to the Potter phenomenon shortly before the fourth book was about to be released but long before the movies came out. Potter is one of those unique series where if a genie from a magic lamp offered me the opportunity to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (or the United States’ sister school), I would jump at the chance. I would sell everyone reading this entry into slavery for the opportunity and never look back. Of course, I feel the same way about Star Wars and the mafia…
What amazes me is how much of a cultural phenomenon Harry Potter has become. First of all, J.K. Rowling is a fantastic author. I remember taking a lot of flack from friends for reading “a kid’s book” but, really, the only people who say that are people that have not read the series.
And don’t even get me started on people who think that the books are “evil” because they promote witchcraft. Effing R-Tards, all of them. I remember shortly before the first movie came out, there was an article in the local paper where one side was for Harry Potter and the other was against… but the person against HP hadn’t even read the book. Instead, they read books about the book. They couldn’t even take the time to read the book for themselves!!! Morons.
At work, half of my department is reading the book. Half the video is reading the book. While that may not seem like a lot of people, what was the last book that you knew 12 people were all reading for recreation at the same time?
Admittedly, I chewed through the 750+ pages a little faster than normal. If I am spending twenty bucks on a hard back book, I want to take my time and get my money out of it. But at the same time, I didn’t want to overhear some jerk store talking about the book and ruining the ending. Again, notice, I put no spoilers in this entry.
So if you are loyal fan, I’d love to hear opinions on the book through email or if you have never read the series, get started. I know it is cliché but the books are much better than the movies. The movies are good but a lot needs to be chopped out for the running time.
Get reading, boys and girls. I guaran-damn-tee you won’t be disappointed.

100 Things You Might Not Know About Me...

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? On my forehead. Chicken Pox
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? For my bedroom? Mirrors and artistically bunched fabric.
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? I snore but it is a soothing rhythmic sound that people pay big money to listen to. It provides blissful serenity and you sleep like a baby.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? My favorite is Original Music Scores from films but I've also become addicted to Breaking Benjamin.
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 10:10 p.m. on 12-10.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Head. No, Money. Well, head. No, money. Head while recieving money. BINGO! Best of both worlds.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? The days of ZERO responsibility where the biggest problem was finding a date on Friday night.
8. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? My Comic Book and/or Action Figure Collection.
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5' 11"
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Not overly so.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Depends on what's in the dark with me...
12. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED AND WHO WAS THE PERSON THAT MADE YOU CRY? When Obi-Wan Kenobi delivered Luke Skywalker to Tatooine. (Not all cries are bad cries, kids.)
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Curtains? Brown. Carpet? Neatly Trimmed.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Neither. I'm a freak, I know.
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Sasuage.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? My wife.
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? Nope.
21. WHAT WAS THE MOST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? My replica of Anduril (the reforged sword) from Return of the King. It was the last Christmas gift my mom bought me and I received it after she passed away.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? Nope.
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? I like my Marvel comics clothes. Does that count as a brand?
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? Waffle and Blackjack.
27. WHAT KIND ARE THEY? Our two "outside" cats.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? I only fall in love if I know they are leaving. In the morning, please don't say you love me, 'cause you know I'll only kick you out the door. I'll pay your cab fare home. You can even use my best cologne. Just don't be here in the morning when I wake up.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 56
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Brunettes.
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? Home or Amy's Cell.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? Four times
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Todd McFarlane. Art Adams.
37. FIRST JOB? Real job: Reasor's Grocery
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? When I was a kid.
41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT? Getting my ass handed to me at the World Series of Poker video game.
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? Nope. I'm awesome.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My enormous member. And yes, it is out in public enough to be complimented on.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? A winning jackpot lottery ticket. Actually, I'd like that right now.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? I don't want the one's I have!!! ;-) Kidding, my three are fine.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Ryan's a pretty Irish name.
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Yeah, but wishing on Angelina Jolie just drew restraining orders.
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? Whatever my wife buys.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sure.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Bologna
52. ANY BAD HABITS? Chronic masturbation but is that really "bad"? I mean really, who's getting hurt in that situation?
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Who doesn't want to be friends with me? Seriously. GIVE ME NAMES, DAMMIT! Because they will GET IT when I find out!
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?. See #52. (Oh, no wait, that's shame.)
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE GAME AS A CHILD? Army.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 16. Yeah. I'm popular.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? As you can tell by these answers I am 100% forthright and honest in all my comments.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Mashed Potatoes
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? The Incredible Love Machine That Can Go All Night Long but the only one that calls me that is Luke and Aaron for some reason.
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? Scrubs, My Name is Earl, Prison Break, Lost
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream.
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? I have all of mine and several extras that I have claimed from hobos that I keep in jars filled with formaldahyde.
72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM? I'm married so I don't really have a "your room." My computer is in the living room.
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT? See Question #18.
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? 100 mph the day I got my license. (Thank you, Dee!)
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Wouldn't any answers be a disappointment after reading my ramblings?
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? "Diner" by Martin Sexton. (Trust me, kids, it is an awesome song.)
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Fresh tears produced by viciously clubbed baby seals. (It keeps me vigorous!)
78. LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED ON THE PHONE? Justin "The Dude" Burks.
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Boobs. In truth, I notice little else.
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Hitler. Yeah, I'm gonna go with Hitler because I wouldn't want these answers to offend anyone.
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? December
83. FAVORITE COUNTRY? U.S.A.
84. CANDY? Reese's Fastbreak.
85. FAVORITE VACATION? Tie between Orlando and Las Vegas.
86. FAVORITE EYE COLOR? No preference as long as they match.
87. FAVORITE SHOES? Those huge platform shoes that strippers wear. But I actually like what is in them more. Yeah, I'd rather just look at strippers.
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? Arby's
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT? Goldies.
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI? Never had it.
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Fastlane recorded on my DVR. I love technology.
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? December 25th
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? I play a wicked awesome air guitar.
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? Republicans suck and Democrats blow. Is there a third option?
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Lunch. (I was too embarassed to put "lap dance" on this thing. People might get the wrong idea.)
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader.
100. IS THERE SOMEONE YOU DON'T LIKE AT THE MOMENT? One? I've got dozens. And your time is almost up. Soon you will all pay for your actions! You'll live to regret what you did... but not for very long...........

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

So I have been lucky enough to sell not just one but two original comic book mini-series to my publisher Arcana Studios. After scrambling through the summer season at my 9-to-5 job, I have been pushing hard to get the series actually written. I had one of the six issues written [think of it like a pilot TV episode] and then had to actually write the other five issues once my editor okayed the series.
Since I am still fairly new to the comic industry, I wanted my series to be really tight and concise with no plotholes. This meant writing the majority of the series before we started the art. (As of this writing, I have about 75% of Issue #6 of the six-issue series completed and artwork on Issue #1 has started.)
Now, I have said many times that one of my favorite parts of the comic book process is getting those first batch of emails with artwork on them to see how the artist has translated my word into pictures.
Up until now, all my work has been commissions where I get a script and my editors (bosses) say, “Write about this.”
However, for the first time, I am seeing my vision transformed into pictures. My artist has sent me the first page of artwork. It is only five panels but I cannot express my feelings. It is just such an awesome sensation when I look at the art. I actually get giddy. Giddy!
For the first time, this is my story, my characters, my locations. So if this bad boy is terrible, it is all on me. But I have tremendous high hopes for the series. I can’t wait to share this story with my friends and family. (I’m no where near big enough yet to actually have fans.)

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Ah, lazy Sundays… Ppshhaw! Lazy is the last way I would describe it. Okay, so I worked my shift at the store. After having the first Sunday in over a month that wasn’t soaked out by rain, I guess people didn’t want to spend the day shopping for groceries. It worked out for me because I got to leave early.
So I came home and submitted four comic book issues and two series overview files to my publisher and artist. That’s right kids, I’ve got my original series flying along big time.
And while I am working on these original projects, my previous commission is being developed by an artist named Gian Fernando who is a tremendous talent from the Phillipeens. This stage of the comic book game is the one that I like the best. It is the stage where the artist is sending in work and I get to see how my writing translated to the page.
Many times the artist pulls off really cool stuff or angles that just perfectly capture what you have in your head. It is probably why I love the comic industry so much because it is a collaborative, team effort but it is a relatively small team so very little is lost in translation.
As I am coming to the end of my two original project, I could not be happier regarding their outcome. Again, I wish I could disclose more details but I’m not certain what I can get away with legally. Give me a little more time and hopefully I will be able to share more details.
So with fighting the holiday madness and trying to get through two original projects has been pretty taxing. Still, I think I have amply stepped up to the plate and delivered a big home run.
Honest to goodness, I’ve spent time on my lunch hours choreographing fight scenes between a vampire and a vampire hunter and writing out descriptions of a fantasy arena for gladiators to fight in. Could I have a better job? Well except maybe an employee at the porn star bra and panties fitting salon but one step at a time.
While I was proofreading, people in the break room and were astonished to look at a fifty-page script and said, “You wrote all that?” One girl complimented me, saying it was amazing that my brain works the way it does—which I take as a huge compliment.
While it is not full time (yet), I thank goodness that I am finally working in an industry that is perfect for me.

More information soon.