Attempting to Achieve Perfection

As an amateur tech geek, I’m never quite satisfied and I’m also extremely cheap. So when I got my new Razor phone a few months back, I was not going to settle for bad graphics and paying for ring tones. Screw that noise. So with a little digging on the ‘Net and using some cool programs, I started to make and load my own ring tones.
I took great pride in this, trying to find the perfect tone for important people in my address book. I was particularly proud of several of my creations.
Some of my ring tones were funny, often delving into the world of rap because it has the best beats. So for times, certain songs would ring out. The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground. Ass Like That by Eminem. Money Maker by Ludacris.
For my general ring tone, I tried to do something that was signature of me. White & Nerdy by Weird Al. The theme from Futurama. Stuff like that. Right now my default ring tone is a hip musical clip from Ocean’s 11.
I also like assigning personal ring tones to friends that call a lot. I was particularly proud of a mix I created from the song Guy Love that was featured in the musical episode of Scrubs. If you missed the episode, you can check it out on YouTube here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0
I’m providing the link because of the scary results that could come from you Googling “Guy Love.” Anyway, that ring tone is for my friend Luke who is my island of sanity in the chaos and depressive ocean that is my job.
Of course, the person that calls me the most is my wife. So she gets the top of the line songs. And the question you have to ask yourself is, “How can you improve on perfection?”
For the longest time, the ring tone that would play was Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. To this day, that song is one of the sexiest ever recorded. And it is signature. You can hear the first four notes and recognize it immediately. Plus, I felt that it was the perfect music to play so I could hear it and say, “Amy’s calling.” As we are not supposed to have our phones with us at work, most phones get left on the office desk and when that familiar tone would ring out, everyone would know, “Amy’s calling Ryan.”
So how can you improve on perfection? True, it is perfect but it can also grow stale. I was hoping to find a new signature song that was reflective of our relationship and could become a new tone for her. Give that she is a woman (and what a woman!), I knew it had to be a female voice that called out.
And then last Monday I was first exposed to what might be the single sexiest song of the modern music era. I think that it will be in the same league as Peggy Lee’s Fever, the as mentioned Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On (I’d throw Sexual Healing in there too), and Michael Buble’s version of I’ve Got You Under My Skin. But as things have gotten more promiscuous over the years and the bar has been raised, it is more along the lines of Bell Biv Devoe’s Do Me! and Garbage’s Number One Crush.
I never really got into the whole Bubblegum Pop era. Still, who would have thought a former member of the Mickey Mouse Club would produce one of the sexiest (and most sexually suggestive!) songs since… well… ever.
Still, I have found the perfect ring tone for my wife: Christina Aguilera’s Nasty Naughty Boy.
If you have not heard this song (and I had not until this last Monday) I give it Ryan Foley’s Strongest Possible “Space Shuttle” Thumbs Up rating. 100% Awesome. The greatest stripper song EVER and the most incredible euphemisms of all time. “Put your icing on my cake.” Giggity!

I need that song played during my Happy Birthday lap dance. Make it happen, Nation!

“A Fat Woman Came Into the Shoe Store Today…”

I would like to take this time to speak of a living legend. A man who is so great, his legend should be immortalized for all time. Of course, I speak of the legend that is Al Bundy – the man who scored four touchdowns in a single game. He played high school football, dammit! All-City back in ’66. So here is some trivia questions for you to see if you are just die hard or casual fans of the show Married…With Children.
1) What high school did Al Bundy attend?

2)What was his jersey number?

Sadly, when referencing Al Bundy at work, far too few of my employees even knew whom I was talking about. As temperatures are breaking the century mark right now, everyone seems to be complaining about the heat and most people comment about the great air conditioning in the grocery store. Frozen sections, meat departments, produce, the place is pretty cold.
This prompted me to reference the episode in which the Bundys—in an attempt to escape a heat wave—move into a grocery story to live for a time. For the record, the episode is called “You Better Shop Around” from Season 5.
I started to look around and think, “Am I really getting this old?” I guess the show has been off the air for a while but I think that you would still be hard pressed to find a better character than Al Bundy. I live for that first moment when Al walks through the front door of his crummy house and the live studio audience breaks into thunderous cheers. That moment is comedy gold every time.
Unfortunately, Married fell into the same trap as many great TV shows where the ending of the series was rather lackluster. But I still miss that program. God bless the FX Network.
If you are under eighteen and reading this blog, take my advice, kids. Get watching! It’s a classic.

Answers: Polk High & #33

Some of the better Al Bundy Quotes:

• "A fat woman comes into the shoe store today, and she's so huge that she's protected by Greenpeace, and asked for a size four shoe. I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home. And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.”


• “A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying, "Don't shoot, from the front I look human." Now you think a good natured, jolly lady like that could take some good-humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that's going to come out of?”


• “A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world’s largest, ugliest Christmas tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.”


• “I've had a rotten day, and I'm in a foul mood. A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said that she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there.”


• “A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, ‘I need something I'd be comfortable in.’ So, I said, ‘Try Wyoming.’”


• “Hey kids, here's a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? "Used to" is the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, ‘Try your ass.’ She remembered me all right. Then we laughed, until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.”

And this is no doubt one of the best Married… with Children quotes ever:
Al Bundy: Peg, this is $10,000. You know what I could do with $10,000?

Peggy Bundy: Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?

Al Bundy: No, just one great one

And The Oscar Goes To...

I’ve never been a big fan of the Academy Awards. I don’t really hold film critics in high regard either. It seems like movies that critics hate, I love and movies that critics love, I hate. I think one of the big moments was the film Armageddon, which was trashed by critics yet made the most money during the year of its release. As I rarely pay attention to all of Hollywood’s ballyhoo, I don’t know what constitutes an Oscar-worthy performance.
Jack Nicholson is a multiple Academy Award winner. Yet I feel that his best role was that of Nathan R. Jessup in A Few Good Men. No mention of Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Sam Elliott’s performance in We Were Soldiers certainly seemed worth of a supporting award. No mention. Samuel L. Jackson’s performance in Pulp Fiction got him a nomination (well deserved). And Kevin Spacey’s performance in The Usual Suspects also was well worthy—still the best ending in film ever….
I don’t understand when movies like Chicago get awards for make up but then Star Trek movies are not nominated. How hard is it to make Catherine Zeta-Jones beautiful?
And then you have a performance from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (stay with me) in Gridiron Gang where he plays an ex-football player. Hmmm. Not a big stretch. He put out a great performance but it wasn’t a huge leap for him as a movie star.
To me, a great performance is when the person that you are watching disappears and completely becomes the character. I love DeNiro and Pacino but they often seem like DeNiro and Pacino playing a role rather than being the character that they are on screen. (Scent of a Woman is a big exception.)
I’m a big George Clooney fan but it always seems like he is cool guy George playing a role… until I saw O Brother, Where Art Thou? In that movie, Clooney was clearly Ulysses Everette McGill.
Another prime example is watching outtakes from My Name is Earl and seeing Jason Lee come out of the “Earl” character.
To me, that constitutes a great performance. And working with those criteria, then there is one performance above all this year. I have witnessed one of the greatest performances on film where the actor disappeared and completely became the character. And I will even go on record as to say that Hannibal Lector has been eclipsed as the best psychopath to ever grace the silver screen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight.

Ledger’s performance is one for the ages. The Joker is far more terrifying and sadistic than ever before in this most recent Batman film. He is an agent of anarchy and chaos. Ledger’s performance was, quite frankly, unbelievable and is worth repeated viewings. He is a very cerebral villain and is head and shoulders above what one would consider when you think of a villain in a “super hero” movie.
Of course, Ledger’s performance is probably enhanced—just a little bit—by Heath Ledger’s untimely death that was in a single word, sad.
While I know that the Joker has been portrayed by several actors over the years and the mantle will be taken up again, for this particular franchise with Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale, I hope that they will move on to other villains and not revisit the Joker, just to give Ledger all the honor that he deserves. Ledger took a classic villain that had been around for decades but clearly made it his own.
For the first time in a Batman movie, I was more impressed with the villain than with the hero. And given how much of a Batman fan I am, that’s saying something. In the movie, The Joker asked, “Why so serious?” But I can tell you that Ledger’s portrayal was incredibly serious. It was Oscar serious.

Long live the Clown Prince of Crime.

Taking Some Time for Yourself

It seems like for a least the last year, my life has been about future plans. I’ve been so focused on the future and what is coming next that I have stopped to smell the proverbial roses. I mean, when your biggest treat of the month is purchasing the latest Futurama DVD, clearly there is some joy missing in your life…
I have been struggling with a job that, quite frankly, I don’t like. Don’t get me wrong. It is not 100% percent bad. There is a small clique of people that I really enjoy working with. And strangely, my loyalty is to them more than the store itself.
While I probably should not be posting this, I did a little math over the 4th of July weekend. During that weekend, for an eight-hour shift, I made the store approximately $1808. And for that, they paid me $74.40. Yeah. Kinda disheartening. I don’t care how you slice it. That’s busting ass.
So 4th of July is the biggest weekend of the year. It is a butt kicker. It is long hours with not enough help and not nearly enough time off. It takes a long time to even recover from such madness.
This past Monday, everyone received his or her checks with all the overtime from the 4th. So a small collection of us decided to go out and have some fun. It was well worth it. We all deserved it.
With working full time, and writing between part time and full time, taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, and Amy busy with school, I often feel like there is not enough time for me in the day. It’s pretty darn rough.
And, as is an unfortunate fact of life, it seems like my friend base is starting to wear thin. My poker game has broken up. Weekend game nights have been slowly dissolving. Everyone is getting pulled in different directions. It happens. I know. That’s life, right? Still, I hate it and I cannot find a way to change it…
So with all of this work and responsibility, I have almost become hermit like. My contact with the outside world is becoming limited at best. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t do anything. I watch movies. I watch shows from my DVR. I read my comic books. I collect action figures (which keeps me occupied for about one month and then down for four).
Well, and then there is the money factor. Point of fact is that right now, I don’t have a lot of money to throw around. I’ve limited my comic intake. I quit buying my Original Music Scores from films that I love so much. I quit going to Wal-Mart. I just don’t do a whole lot.
But then here was this overtime check.
So I splurged.
We got a babysitter and I took my wife out on the town for an evening of entertainment. I cannot remember the last time that we have gone out for fun.
We both got dressed up and went and had a fancy meal. By “fancy” I mean that the restaurant didn’t have any clown mascots and the food didn’t come in a Styrofoam containers. (Okay, I know fast food restaurants don’t use Styrofoam anymore but I’m making a point.) So we had a nice meal at T.G.I. Fridays (that’s my current definition of fancy). We went to a bookstore and I snagged her a text for her nursing class and then we met my friends from work for a few drinks… it was at an establishment at 39th and Sheridan and will say no more. If you know, you understand.
When playing football (or any organized sport), there is a certain camaraderie in the locker room that is really unlike anything else. Everyone is all looking in the same direction. Everyone has the same goal. And for that night, everyone’s goal was the same: Thank God the 4th of July holiday is over.
It was an evening with a lot of laughter and smiling until my face hurt. It was an evening where everyone could forget their troubles for an evening and just relax.
Truth be told, I had forgotten what that was like. For an evening, I put my crap job aside. For an evening, I put my comic books aside. For an evening, I put the kids aside.
Now don’t hate me. Don’t send angry comments. Truth is the only ones that would send angry comments are people who don’t have kids. I love my kids and I have given them everything. But for your own sanity, sometimes you have to be reminded that you are an individual.
You need time for yourself. I realize now that you need time to relax. You need time to go out and have fun.
That can be hard when you are living off a crappy income from a crappy job, swimming chest deep in credit card debt, and have little to show at the end of the day, getting away for an evening of fun can be hard. After all, poor people don’t take vacations.
Still, I am hoping to find time to relax once every couple of months. I don’t get to go out and have fun enough. This past Monday was the most fun I have had in a long time. I got to sit beside my lovely wife and I was surrounded by friends who make me laugh. It was a great time for all involved. I just hope I can stretch the rest of my paycheck until August 4th. If I can’t you made read a surprisingly different blog in a few weeks. Still, even if money is a little thin, it was totally worth it.
It really is the little things in life. One good evening of fun with friends can erase months of hardship. So if it has been too long for you, take my advice.
Do yourself a favor. Go out and have some fun…

Challenging Yourself for Improvement

Years ago, I had the pleasure of meeting comic book artist Michael Turner at one of the comic book conventions down in Tulsa. Mike Turner is a tremendously talented artist who, at the time, was tearing it up with Witchblade and did a mini-series that I loved called Ballistic. I remember that he said something that was very curious to me from a creative standpoint. In one of his panel discussions, he talked about how he was not good at drawing certain things. One of the things he mentioned was a curtain. So he draped material around his station where he worked and filled his book with all sorts of curtains. And I remember thinking to myself at the time, why would he fill his books with art that he is not good at drawing?
And the answer is so you can stretch your wings and get better as an artist.
I have experienced such a wing-spreading experience lately.
Again, years ago, when my comic and writing career was stagnant and going nowhere, for a time, I considered “selling out” and writing one of those steamy romance novels that are always in the grocery stores by the checkout line. It is cheesy, I know, but that is a frickin’ huge chunk of the market… and I was going to use a pen name.
So I tried to write this story but with no tights, flights, super powers or gun battles, I couldn’t keep myself in front of the computer typing. And it might have had something to do with the fact that the story was terrible…
The majority of my projects thus far have been a lot of adrenaline-fueled action stories filled with valiant heroes and big, buff warriors. But after speaking at a college about comic books (to an all women audience), I realized that comics are predominantly a male field but there are female readers as well. Where are their books? What about their market?
So I decided to adapt one of histories greatest romances into a comic book.
I know. Me? Writing a romance? My personal belief is that you should write who you are. And I would not consider my life to be in the romantic comedy movie genre. That is not to say that I don’t wine-and-dine my wife every now and then. What I am saying that my life is not exactly permeated with romance, so it is not the type of story that I would be inclined to write. (My life is not filled with combat with aliens or fights in gladiator arenas either but that stuff is cool.)
When I first pitched my idea to my publisher, I was nervous. Could I write a romance? Would it enthrall me? Would it keep me at the keyboard? But now that I have finished my first draft of my first romance comic, I am proud to state that I could not be happier with the end result. I think the comic is going to be fantastic and I can’t wait to share more about it as publishing time comes closer.
I believe that the story has allowed me to grow as an artist and become a better writer. Could there be a better goal?
More soon.

Surviving the Fourth of July

Anyone who thinks that the United States is in a recession clearly has never been to Grand Lake during the Fourth of July.
While my wife is working towards her nursing degree, I am working at a grocery store in Langley, Oklahoma to pay the bills. Langley is considered to be the gateway to Grand Lake which over the last few years has become the “it” spot for all the Tulsa people. (By turnpike, Tulsa is about one hour from Grand Lake.) It is quite the status symbol for the Tulsies to say, “Oh, we went to the lake this weekend. We have a house on Grand Lake.”
During this week, we do as much business as a Tulsa location but we do it with less than half the square footage and about one-third of the employees. While I don’t know the numbers, I know our dollar-to-man-hour ratio has to be the best in the company. Yeah, if any piddly-ass Reasor employee outside of Langley #6 has stumbled into this blog, you can suck it. Nobody works like a Langley Employee ‘cause in Langley the work don’t stop. But with so few employees, it means six-day workweeks and if my calculations are correct (and I like to think that they are), I’ll be pulling down about 56 hours of work this week that consists of nothing but butt holes and elbows. (Enjoy that imagery.) It is all go, no quit until the people head back to Tulsa on Sunday evening.
Let me tell you, it is a huge incentive to write comic books full time. I find myself taking less and less pride in my work. I am using the company for the paycheck the same way they treat me as just a nametag. I know I am less than a year away from being able to quit. And I made it through this weekend by thinking, “This is the last 4th that you HAVE to work.” I can continue to work after Amy gets a nursing job but instead I will choose to make the transfer to full time comic book author. Maybe I work one shift a week to give me some walking around money. Time will tell.
My attitude might be different if I was seeing a percentage of profit in my paycheck but, quite frankly, I get paid the same if we are crazy mad busy or if we have two customers all day. Its kind of one of those scenarios where they pay me a minimal wage so I give them a minimal effort.
Still, a Ryan Foley minimal effort is still better than 90% of employees working at the location. But I look around and I hear about all these record sales and record numbers… But I’m not seeing record wages or record number of employees.
Check this out: We found an old sale flyer dating around 1987. They had yellow onions priced at seven pounds for ninety-nine cents. In today’s marketplace, you can get a little more than a pound of onions for ninety-nine cents.
When I first started driving, around 1990, I drove a piece-o’-crap diesel Isuzu pick-up that was called a P’up for short. We called it “The Poop.” I could remember filling up and being pissed when I had to pay more than a dollar a gallon for diesel. I seem to recall starting out and diesel was around eighty-eight cents. Have you priced diesel lately? Here in Adair (one of the cheapest areas in the nation) diesel is around $4.50 a gallon.
So look at that. In twenty years, onions have increased seven fold. In eighteen years, even figuring conservatively, gas has increased over four fold. When I first started working at Reasor’s as a “Courtesy Clerk” back around 1991, minimum wage was $4.25 per hour. I was special. I made a whopping $4.30 an hour. Yeah, buddy! Big bucks. To maintain a relatively equal ration with the cost of inflation and such, based just off the increase of gas, minimum wage should be at a minimum of $17.00 an hour.
I don’t even make that with overtime. I don’t even think the head of my department makes that kind of money. And that can be frustrating.
I heard a stat lately that 90% of the wealth in this country is controlled by 10% of the population. And this weekend, I made the company all kinds of money… but I won’t see a bonus nickel in my paycheck. The big bonus was a few free cans of pop, which I don’t even drink since I gave up soft drinks.
I’m telling you, kids. Become financially independent if you can. Don’t be beholden to someone else for a paycheck. I know that is a difficult task to achieve. So if you can’t do that, work at something that you love. Love what you do and you will never work a day in your life.
I dread having to go to work everyday for a measly paycheck but I never get tired of writing comic books. And in 2009, if things hold true to form, I will make more money working in my “part time” comic book job than I do at my full time grocery job. How sweet is that?
And once Amy has a steady income, then everything becomes gravy… Do something you love everybody. That’s the sweetest experience in the world. Go thou and do likewise.