Meeting Your Heroes…

There is an old expression out there that you should never meet your heroes. Most of the time, you have put them up on a pedestal in your mind and to have that come crashing down can be devastating. Back when I had a MySpace page (remember when MySpace was cool?), I liked to do my own graphics and I had one that featured the Top 5 people I would liked to be trapped in an elevator with. Vin Diesel was tops in the list because we go to the same barber and I want to do a CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK comic book. But what if I actually got a chance to meet Vin and he blew me off or was a total jerk. It would sour all of my feelings for him – wouldn’t be a fan anymore. Hans Zimmer? Joe Quesada? Stephen Colbert? How would it change my feelings if they were jerks?
So with MySpace dying, I converted over to Facebook. I have become fans of several famous people, one of which was Seth Grahame-Smith, after reading his book Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Curious to see what other writers might be on the list and having just finished The Ghost King, I looked up my #1 favorite author of all time. I have what I call my Magnificent Seven – the seven people who have influenced me the most creatively. Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Cameron, Jim Lee, Todd McFarlane, Kevin Smith, and topping the list is George Lucas. (I know that is only six.) Lucas tops the list in the number one category. But imagine my surprise when I found #2 on my list on Facebook…
The #2 slot belongs to a gentleman named R.A. Salvatore. Salvatore is not the household name that others are on the list. Although most people might not know Lee or McFarlane. Google or Wikipedia them. I can’t do everything for you! Salvatore is a New York Times Best Selling Author who created the character of Drizzt Do’Urden. Salvatore made me want to write. In all his book dust jackets, they talk of how The Lord of the Rings changed his life. I always wanted to meet him, shake his hand and say, “The Crystal Shard changed my life.”
That book put me on the path to becoming a writer. There is no doubt about it. I think it is a rarity where you can look back on something and say, “This [book/film/college class/set of boobs/etc.] changed my life.” So on his FB page, it had an email address.
Hey, if he didn’t want fans to email him, he wouldn’t put the address out there. Right? Now, again, you don’t want to put people up on pedestals. Many times they do not survive the fall when they crash down to reality. But I sent a politely worded email to Mr. Salvatore and tried not to gush too much.
Imagine my surprise when he emailed me back… And not some form letter. He actually took the time to write me back. That is a pretty cool thing. And we have exchanged several emails since. I was going to be an eternal fan of his anyway but to know that he appreciates his fans… that just cements it even more.
Life is all about lessons. You cannot imagine my excitement when R.A. Salvatore popped up in my email inbox… When it comes to fan mail or if I ever am popular enough to make into the comic book convention circuit, I am going to remember how important it is to be accessible and friendly to fans. I probably would have been that way anyway – Mrs. Foley’s baby boy could not be any other way. But it is always nice to get some reinforcement.

Oklahoma Weather & Childhood Memories

I don’t want to be one of those slack-jawed yokels that say, “Gawl dang, lookie at all this snow!” However, Friday was the last day of winter here in Oklahoma. It was 72 degrees, warm, and sunny with a nice breeze. Yesterday was the first day of spring and there is a foot of snow on the ground. The wind is howling and snowdrifts were piled so high we got stuck in the middle of the road. So I called in as “unavailable” to work today.
Yesterday, I managed to make it home from work fine as the temperature was not bitterly cold and the massive wind had not kicked up yet. On Friday, I was home from work and the kids were on Spring Break. I warned them to go outside on Friday because on Saturday, they would not be able to.
Sure enough, the snow came. Normally I have to chase Jason out of the house and away from the video games with a broom. But yesterday, while I was at work, Amy told me that she could not keep Jason inside. Decked out in his black Under Armor and dressed in his Clone Trooper helmet, Jason reenacted the Imperial assault on the Rebel base on Hoth.
This got me to thinking of my own childhood and how the apple certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree. I grew up in North Carolina in the city of Charlotte. Now, for Charlotte to receive snow, it has to come up through Georgia – which doesn’t happen very often.
But I remember one winter we finally got snow… and being a young Star Wars fan, this was the moment you waited for since you saw The Empire Strikes Back. Before you were relegated to draping white sheets over the carpet and furniture in the den (until your parents discovered what you were doing). But the problem is my mother never bought just plain white sheets. So all my Hoth environments had little paisleys or designs on them.
But finally, snow. Honest to goodness, deep snow. I remember setting my Tauntaun action figures out with the cold weather Luke Skywalker riding him and then taking my snow speeder and flying circles around him (by running in the yard) to get the picture perfect camera angles for my mind’s eye.
I would flop down in the snow and play with the Tauntaun and my Wampa Ice Creature, reenacting the whole scene over and over again, despite my front getting soaked from lying in the snow… and I could have cared less. I think it is extremely cool that my sons are just as obsessed with a wonderful thing like Star Wars just as I was at that age. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree at all…

How Honest Abe & The Undead Made Me Look Like A Psycho in Wal-Mart…

Disclaimer: Everything I am about to tell you is TRUE.
Today, I went to my local Wal-Mart to pick up some pizza for the kids’ lunch, dinner for tonight, and a Monster for me. (It is my last guilty pleasure with my diet.) I am not a compulsive person by any means. I was there with a mission: food, pricing a new set of headphones & mic for my computer, and to price a new TV to replace the boys’ that went nuclear last night.
I was done shopping but for reasons that cannot be explained, I went down the aisle with the books and magazines “just to see.” Then, it caught my eye – this wonderfully, ridiculous template of utter insanity. When I first saw it, I said out loud, “What?” The title was four words that should never have justifiably been used together in… well, in all of modern history. I snatched it off the rack began devouring the dust jacket blurbs – scarcely able to contain my excitement of this incredibly off-the-wall concept.
And I immediately started laughing. I had to have this book. No matter what it took. So I called the Comptroller and got the disbursement of funds approved.
Book in hand, I laughed all the way to the check out stand. I talked up my purchase with the cashier – who did not seem to openly share my mirth in the book title. I laughed in the parking lot. I laughed all the way through Pryor. As I was driving, I was thinking to myself, “To whom can I call to tell this story of abject insanity? Who can I call that would appreciate this tale as much as me?”
Out of all my friends, I knew there was only one. There was only one perfect choice. He was the first on the list… So I scrolled to the end of my address book and pulled up “X-Ray Man Aaron.” This man is a black hole for books. I proceeded to tell him the story almost exactly the same as I have told it to you now. As I reached the conclusion of my tale and I prepared to unleash the title of this masterpiece, Aaron simply said, “Let me guess…”
I could not have anticipated this would be his response but, really, there could be no other conclusion to this tale. And then he said those four precious words:
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
I gave a huzzah that rattled the windows in my car and we continued with the discussion. As it turns out, he is reading the exact same book right now. Now, just let that title sink in for a minute. Yep, the author has taken real moments from Lincoln’s history and has blended in elements of vampirism. This is his follow-up to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

I would type more but I have to start reading right now. Good bye, free time. Let’s start the insanity.

Soaring on Wings of a Film

Years ago, I discovered my true joy in music. Finding songs with lyrics too distracting to write to, I discovered a wonderful synergy while writing to Original Music Scores from films. With almost 250 soundtracks in my library, I like to think I have become a bit of an aficionado on the subject. Now, when a big movie is hitting, I always look to see who is doing the music for the film.
My favorite composer of all time is a gentleman by the name of Hans Zimmer and I am always on the lookout for new music from him. (I was super-stoked when he signed on for the new Batman film franchise.)
The problem with loving this type of music is the ability to spread this joy around to my friends. Thank goodness for YouTube.
There is an album of Zimmer’s called Wings of a Film, which is a live concert recording of his music. I have always said that if there were some miracle that Zimmer and an orchestra came to the BOK center, I would sign up faster than I did for Star Wars: In Concert. And I would probably pay more for tickets. Yeah, I love Zimmer’s work that much. If I could right music, I would want to be able to write like him. I can’t think of higher praise than that.
From Wings of Film, there is a track called “Thunderbird” from the movie Thelma & Louise. If ever there was a track that made me want to play guitar (short from Gary Hoey’s Auld Lang Syne), it is this track.
The music is long, almost 8 minutes in length. It starts slowly and then gradually builds and at about 5:22 the music just takes off into the stratosphere.
Greater indeed are pleasures that are shared, so this is my humble offering to you… Enjoy. And to Mr. Zimmer, thank you…

THUNDERBIRD

The Small, Subtle but Incredibly Important Differences

Biologists say that there is only a 3% biological difference between men and women. Those small, subtle differences are incredibly important in the game of life. But how different are men and women psychologically? Infinitely. How? Read on…

Now, many people ask me, “Ryan, you have a job in a produce department and you write comic books on the side. Clearly you are swimming in cash. [I know those first statements are not questions.] Why buy generics?” The answer to this question is that I like to stay connected to the common man. I don’t demand that the public carry me around on a palanquin – the things that they used to carry around the Pharaohs… (Although that certainly would make shopping at Wal-Mart easier.) But I do tend to go for the store brands and the generics to save a few pennies here and there. I am saving up for an ivory backscratcher.
Often times, generics can be a gamble. I have had some generic Raisin Bran that was like chewing cardboard and little nuggets of rubber. But then there have been pleasant surprises. The frozen Best Choice Garlic Bread is the best! But you have to have standards in your life. Certain aspects should not be compromised.
Seriously, are you buying condoms out of a markdown basket? I don’t think so…
We do tend to clip coupons and occasionally we change up our brands depending on how much money we can save. So it was quite a treat when Amy came home with Cottonelle toilet paper. I have always been a strong proponent that this is one area that cannot and should not be compromised in. And ever since they stopped making Aurora White, I have been particular about my choices for back there.
(A shiny dime to whoever can cite that pop culture reference first…)
Many of you are thinking, “C’mon, Ryan. A blog entry about your toilet paper usage? Have you just run out of stuff to talk about?” Fear not, true believers. All of this has been a prelude.
So with the coupon gravy train drying up (that reminds me, we need pet food), we went back to the standard Angel Soft – the Wal-Mart house brand of toilet paper. And I am not happy. So I tell my wife, “Man, that new toilet paper is horrible.”
Amy gets mad at me for this statement and fires back at me that it is the same brand we have used in the past and I need to get over it because I am just using it “to wipe my ass.” Yes, I married her for her demure attitude. And for the record, everyone likes to be pampered back there. I dare you to use hotel sandpaper grade TP for a week and then try to argue that point with me.
So with two prefaces out of the way, we come to the meat of the entry… You see, in her mind, what I said was that she made a horrible decision by buying it. Let me state that I was in no way raking Amy over the coals for her decision. I don’t know if they changed the formula or something but I don’t like it. And because of the packaging, you never really know how TP is going to feel. It’s a crapshoot. (Pun intended.) I guess you could crack open a package and test it on the aisle before purchase but I don’t think employees at said store are going to be very happy with you.
But toilet paper is not the issue here. Ladies, if your men tell you something, you cannot take it as a personal affront. Last time I checked, Amy is in no way connected with the manufacturing of Angel Soft nor does she sit on the board of directors. Therefore, she should take no personal insult towards my comment – but that is how it was perceived. It was like I walked in and said, “Hey moron, that toilet paper you bought was horrible.” Which could not be farther from the truth.
Could I have phrased my comment differently? Sure. In hindsight. What I should have said was, “Man, Angel Soft must have changed their formula or something because I do not remember it ever being that rough and scratchy. Next time, can we buy Cottonelle again?”
I see that now, again, in hindsight, because at the time, I had no idea that a sane person would take personal offense at the “hey, the TP is rough” comment. See, my problem was I was looking at the situation LOGICALLY. Clearly, trying to defeat a woman with logic is a losing battle. But this is just a symptom of the insanity of trying to deal with women. These are the battles we as men have to fight and clearly we are unarmed.
Why do you think poker players hate playing with amateurs? Because amateurs make insane moves that no pro would ever make. And trying to have a logical argument with a woman is like trying to have a boxing match with an psychotic because you never know what ammo those people are bringing to the party. At what point will they pull off their boxing gloves and attack you with a rubber ducky and a chain saw? How can you prepare for that or defend against it?
So after a while, men become punch drunk. We are tired of trying to box straight up against someone playing Duchess of Queensbury rules. I am armed with 16 oz. gloves and you are stepping into the ring with a cat o’ nine tails and an enema home kit and I don’t like your intentions with either…
As a result, men shut down. We quit fighting. At which point, wives get mad and complain to their friends. “I never know how he is feeling. He won’t talk to me.” Because last time, I told you I didn’t like toilet paper and you took it as a personal insult.

Husband: “I am not really sure I liked those capers in the eggplant.”
Wife: “Well, I can’t do anything right. You can do all the cooking from now on! I’m going off to slit my wrists in the bathtub! Call the coroner!”

See how we can’t fight that mentality? So rather than lose another argument, we just choose not to engage in it. We shut down. And you made us this way. Ladies, think about that from time to time. Be a little more understanding and open and we might not be so afraid to open up to you…

But truth be told, when you ask us what we are thinking about, 90% of the time, it really is boobs. That is just male nature. That’s one fight we surrendered to a long time ago and have no intention of winning…

The Power of Colbert Compels You!

The Thursday February 4th episode of The Colbert Report first aired at 11:30 p.m. Eastern time. In the show’s second segment, Stephen reported that a Canadian magazine nearly 100 years old was changing its title because it was being blocked by Internet porn filters. The title of the magazine was The Beaver. The company decided to change the name to Canada’s History. Colbert then called on his readership to go to UrbanDictionary.com and post entries under the title of Canada’s History of the most depraved sexual acts imaginable to ensure that Canada’s History would become a mainstream sexual term. (I don’t know if it will reach the popularity of the Dirty Sanchez, the Alabama Hot Pocket, or the Cosby Sweater…)
So I watched the episode this morning (God bless the DVR) and when I logged in at 10:10 a.m. Central time, there had been 409 entries on 59 pages of entries. That’s unbelievable. Man, I love Colbert and to quote one of his segments…

That’s the craziest f@#king thing I’ve ever heard… Hysterical!!!!

What A Way To Make an Exit...

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.

But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing... things will happen...."

Conan O'Brien

01-22-10

Final Appearance as Host of the Tonight Show

Damn good advice. We miss you, Co-Co....

Star Wars: In Concert

I know this blog is a tad late. Bear with me. So, back in October (on Amy’s birthday), we took the boys to attend Star Wars: In Concert. You can read about it by clicking the link. I say that we took the boys but this was just as much for me as it was for them. Before you send any hate mail asking why we didn’t take Lauren, it is because she is six and can’t stand the noise of a elementary basketball game, much less a concert…
If you know me, then you know how passionate I am about original music scores. I listen to them all the time when I am writing because I find lyrics distracting. And, well, you don’t get much better than the music from Star Wars.
This was my first trip to the brand new BOK Center. Extremely impressive, by the way. They had props from the films that you could see and take your picture with. It was a really cool event.
So, we had fifth row seats. (Yes, we spent way too much money on tickets.) And I was just a few dozen feet away from Anthony Daniels who played C-3PO in the movies. He was the narrator of the event.
The music was everything I expected it to be. The show was flawless. There was a massive orchestra with a full choir. Laser lights. Pyrotechnics that blasted us out of the seats. Everything was really cool.
I think the biggest pops where when they did footage of Vader and Yoda. Han Solo and Princess Leia got pretty resounding cheers.
Anthony Daniels was very funny and a wonderful storyteller. They had a recorded message from James Earl Jones (the voice of Darth Vader) to introduce him. Did I mention it was really cool?
We got Daniels and the conductor to come back out three times because of the standing ovation… and we got an encore of the Imperial Theme.
Now, admittedly, I am a pretty big geek. I don’t think that is a secret. But to be married to a person that embraces my geekiness and will go to a Star Wars concert with me is pretty special. And to have two boys that like Star Wars as much as I do, well that is just taking them down the right path in life.
It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime event and I could not be happier to be a part of it….

Hey, I Actually Have Fans!

One of my first forays into writing was publishing fan fiction entertainment on the Internet. For those not in the know, that is where you take an established property and write a story about it, “publish” it for free on the Internet, and the copyright holders cannot come after for copyright infringements because you are not selling the story.
There are many fan pools out there. Star Wars, Star Trek, The X-Files, etc. But my bread and butter was Tomb Raider. So I wrote these little short stories and put them out there. The first time I got fan mail, I was giddy. I did not need fuel to keep me going as a writer. I am not saying that my success is dependant upon fans… But let’s say that it was like that octane booster that you put with a full tank of gas.
As a writer (or with any creative outlet), you never know how your work is going to be perceived. You can hope. You never want people to come back and say, “This totally sucks. You suck.”
But then when someone gives you a positive review, it is like justification. It makes me proud when people say that they like my stories. Like this blog article that my publishers emailed me today:

The Journal of the Lincoln Heights Literary Society Miscellanea and Ephemeron

And then there is the social network that exists within the World of Warcraft. I admit I am not the most social of players. I think a lot of this stems from the same reason I don’t sit down at a poker table despite being a poker player. I am afraid of making an etiquette mistake. And there are Level 80s rolling around in Azeroth. I don’t want to be that pesky little dog jumping around the big bulldog as it stomps down the sidewalk. I have my friends and I am always friendly and helpful when I can be, but I don’t have the social connections that my other friends do.
So a good friend of mine named Luke is on the game, doing some networking and running with some new players. One of these new players mentions that he works in a comic book shop. This prompts Luke to drop my name.
Believe it or not, the guy knows me!?!
He does not know me but he knows my work because of STOLEN HEARTS. The guy is a fan. Luke is going to prompt an in-game introduction for us. How cool is that? What a small world. I’m looking forward to saying hello to the guy and talking like a couple of comic geeks. I think that is a pretty cool story…

They Should Have Called it “Cocaine” Instead of “Lich King”

As a community, I have heard several beliefs that pain is something that can be lessened when it is a shared experience. It is kind of like seeing a terrible car accident or a morbidly obese man in overalls… wearing leopard spotted underwear… that’s a thong.
The only way to ease the pain of your soul is to trick someone else into seeing it. Then that pain that you experienced is divided amongst two people. So you now only have to suffer 50% of the total pain. Get a third person to see it and only have to experience… Wait. Carry the one… denominator. 25% I think. Look I’m not a math major, okay?
So, when you have a terribly crippling addiction, you might say that you should contain it and refuse to let it spread. You should just take that addiction and hide it from the world. That is one option… The other direction you can go is to spread your addiction around to other people. And then everyone can become as consumed with the same addiction. Then some people can go much more overboard than you and you can look at that person and say, “Hey, at least I’m not that guy.”
Yes, kids, it’s gotten that bad. You see the World of Warcraft addiction continues to slowly seep away at my soul. I am not going to say that it is completely out of hand because I do still work, sleep, eat properly (if you can call my diet “proper”), and function within the communally acceptable parameters of society.
I am not certain but I think it is time for a support group. The only problem is that I am not certain if there is a building large enough to hold 11.5 million people.
So what have I done, like a drug dealer, I go around at my work and recruit players. I tell ‘em to go on the Internet and just try the ten-day free trial. See, you give them the first hit for free to get them hooked. F**king Blizzard Entertainment. Crack Dealers! That’s what they should be called!
See Luke pulled in Dave and myself. Then as a trio we pulled in James and Kasondra and now Heath. Then we found out Brad played. Then James got Shannon playing. And one by one we continue to draw in more and more players into our own personal Well of Souls. So for all the people reading this blog, I just have one question… Want to learn what The Empyrean Fury is? Shoot me a message. Remember: The power of the Fury is the group and the power of the group is the Fury…

Listening to the Ebb and Flow of the Universe

One of the heroes of the X-Men in Marvel Comics is a genetically engineered warrior named Longshot. One of Longshot’s powers was the ability known as psychometrics. In the occult world, this is where a person can “read” the history of an object by touching it.
I think there are a few fictional stories where psychics have ascertained the identity of a killer by touching the knife used to stab his victims. In the filming of FOX’s television show PRISON BREAK, character Lincoln Burrow’s prison cell was the same real life cell occupied by noted American serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Some cast and crewmembers refused to enter the cell because of the energy within it.
And I do believe that certain objects can possess energies. Most can be associated negatively. But if there are situations with negative associations then there has to be situations with positive associations. There has to be.
I bring all of this up because I have been entrusted with a sacred duty. You see, today, I was passed the ashes of my mother.
Following her death, I did not see her body. I was given the opportunity but I refused. What I told myself is that it was simply an empty shell now. What was my mother was spirited off to a better place.
What I was handed today was a heavy urn with her ashes inside, carefully placed within a plastic bag. Yet, when I touch it, I can feel a certain energy. Perhaps it is something completely within my own mind. In theory, if this were to truly work, anyone who touches this urn should feel something. Unless one wants to argue that certain energy fields are perceptible to certain people. But that takes us down a whole other road. Maybe this is all in my head…
But what I do know is that within that urn are her last remains, the last evidence that she was physically in this world. And there was a sensation that ran through me when I held the urn for the first time. It was a sadness to be certain but not a sorrowful “I’m going to start crying” sadness.
It is her. But it is not her. It is. But it isn’t.
It’s weird. Even after all this time. It is weird.
I think the strangest things can spawn memories and feelings. I certainly did not think that when I woke up this morning, I would be writing a blog about my mom’s ashes. But that is life sometimes. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to become attuned to the energies that surround us. Maybe they can give you a link to your past. You just have to be ready to find those energies… and sometimes they pop up in times and places you don’t expect. Now, I’m not looking for existentialism through a haze of bong smoke or anything. It was a profound enough moment for me to feel like I needed to talk about it here… So it was pretty strange and special at the same time, and that is what this blog is all about…

Just When I Thought I Was Out…

Some of you may recognize the quote in the title. It goes: “Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in.” Yes, it’s from The Godfather. Now before I begin, as with most of my statements, I need a little preamble. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. And I thank the powers above everyday that I do not understand the concept of addiction. What I have is not exactly an addiction because I do not go through physical withdraws or anything. But I am an action figure collector. That’s right. I collect action figures.
Now, I know I am opening up all sorts of problems by admitting this on a public forum like the Internet. For the thousands in attendance and millions reading at home, a shiver has gone through the crowd. All around the world, females are removing panties and other unmentionable unmentionables because nothing does it for the ladies like a balding overweight man that writes comic books. But a balding overweight man that writes comic books AND collects action figures? Yeah, I have to walk around in disguises. I can barely go to my local Wal-Mart any more. And if I do, I have to go at 3:00 in the morning…
My addiction goes back to the release of the Spawn action figure line, which I collected for several years. Budgetary cutbacks caused me to stop for a little while, then the Masters of the Universe line came out. When that line ended, I switched over to Marvel Legends and my marriage almost disseminated to divorce status. Still, my desk is totally bitchin’ with all my figures ranging from the Avengers’ Mansion to my Iron Man Armory to my Sinister Six Laboratory…
See I commit action figure sacrilege and taken them out of the cases. Then they are displayed around my desk in wicked awesome displays that are very cool to look at as I write my comic book scripts.
But we are in a recession after all. Prices are going up and the cost of oil skyrocketed. Well, action figures are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. I think you see the connection. So the company producing Marvel Legends basically cancelled the line and went to Marvel Universe – which are action figures on a 3¾” scale as opposed to the 6” figure… and I was not about to start over.
So, with a heavy heart, I called it quits. No more. The Marvel Legends collection was finished. Still tremendously impressive but finished. And I think my wife secretly breathed a sigh of relief.
But then the itch started. The craving set in. And… just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Yeah. They make World of Warcraft action figures. DAMMIT! I keep thinking Amy is going to stop by the courthouse on her way home from work to file the divorce papers. Still, as far as addictions go, it is certainly not the most expensive in the world. I’d write more but I am working on this cool display for my Draenei paladin… Well and I have to reinforce the front door to keep out the relentless legions of ladies that all want to get a piece of this action. If I tell them that I’ve got my Paladin to Level 46 and I’m rocking the Vanquisher’s Sword with Fiery Weapon enchantment does it make it better or worse? They are in a frenzy right now. Probably should keep that a secret…

Waving “Arrivederci” to My Soul

So, for the last two months, I will admit there has been a certain level of inactivity on the ole RMF Enterprises blog. Sure, I could equate it to writing my scripts and long hours at work and time spent tending to family business… I wish I could say it. But it’s just not the truth. Now, I don’t want people to think that I am neglecting my duties as a person, parent, and husband. I am still getting all my work done. But I have found a new pastime and a new fixation.
Obsession thy name is Warcraft.
With the upgrade to our AT&T air-card, granting up semi-high speed Internet, I have joined the millions playing the on-line fascination of World of Warcraft. And I not only acknowledge my addiction, I embrace it.
And much like a communicable disease, I have spread this obsession to my fellow coworkers and they are becoming equally infatuated with it. If you are a sports-oriented guy (particularly football), you always secretly kind of looked forward to Mondays to discuss the weekend’s games. We play fantasy football at work and there are always taunts of victory or cries of agony the next day.
Well now, with this being the off-season, the topic of discussion with my fellow players almost always falls back to the game. I could go into massive detail about the game but I will just say that it is an MMORPG and leave it at that. There are a million sites out there that can far describe it better than I can. And truth be told, the more time I spend here writing about my game, the less time I get to spend actually playing it. So if you see a drop off on postings… its probably because of that freakin’ game.

Hating the Retarted (a.k.a. Public Perception and You)

In my 9-to-5 job, I must suffer through Musak. Now, sometimes, it is pretty good music. I will give credit where credit is due. Just the other day I did hear “Can’t You See” by the Marshall Tucker Band, which is a great song. I have heard a wide variety of music including things like classic rock, the occasional modern rock, and even a few pop songs that are pretty good. Unfortunately, there is a yang to the yin, and this takes the form of knock-kneed yee-haw country. And an unfortunate music form that is the major source of the topic of this blog. But like every master storyteller, let’s not take you there directly.
Let’s say that you work with a person that is mentally challenged. For the sake of the story, let’s call him Clarence. Now, Clarence is an employee with a penchant for giving fellow male employees a “How-do-you-do.” This is where a person makes the “thumbs up” gesture and proceeds to stealth up behind you and rakes his extended thumb from the bottom of your butt crack to the small of your back, particularly when you are bent over working in a compromising position. I am not certain if this term is featured at UrbanDictionary.com but if not, you heard it here first. TM and Patent Pending.
Now, you don’t hate Clarence because he is retarted. You hate him because of the constantly invasive How-do-you-dos. You hate him in spite of his retardation, not because of it. You can’t hate someone because of a condition they are born with (skin color, nose size, hair color, etc.) because they cannot control that aspect of their life. But a person who gives you the aforementioned rude gesture is doing it of his or her own free will. And this you CAN hate them for.
And yet, if you are in the breakroom, having suffered one of Clarence’s indignations previously in the day, you cannot say, “I hate that Clarence guy” without some sort of preamble. Because if you do, people will automatically think you hate the mentally challenged.
Now, I present this scenario to prove a point.
I HATE Christian music.
Now, if I just would have started this blog with that sentence, the snap decision people make without reading more of the blog is that I am some form of atheist or, even worse, a God hater and the death threats and hateful emails would have started directly. But allow me to explain.
In Hollywood, no one wants to be first and everyone wants to be second. Batman & Robin became a colossal joke and super hero movies stood on a precipice. Thankfully, someone was brave enough to say, “Let’s make a Rated-R super hero movie.” Film executives were skeptical. Wary. But then Blade turned in fat bank. The door was open to create thoughtful, character driven stories that didn’t have to involve day-glow street thugs fighting a Batmobile that stupidly drove up walls. Blade gives rise to X-Men. X-Men gives rise to Spider-Man. Spider-Man gives rise to Iron Man. And the list goes on. Spider-Man causes a rethinking of the DC franchises and we get Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. We get to see Heath Ledger as The Joker. The world rejoices and studios make a profit.
I think that the music industry has to follow a similar formula and, clearly, somewhere during the secret cabal meetings that forward the progress of our country, there was a meeting of brand merchandising between various record companies and the religious leaders. And the leaders of these two organizations must have decided that Christian music needs to follow the same sappy and wuss-dog formula of the first Christian singer to really make it big – whoever that shlub is.
Now, if you look at the message of Jesus, it is my understanding that all his teachings basically boiled down to one message. “Be excellent to each other and party on, dudes.” Wait. That might have been Abe Lincoln in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure… But the basic tenant was: Love one another. Be a good person. Live a good life.
Now, I am not adverse to music that teaches this maxim. Nickelback has a song that is really popular right now called “If Today Was Your Last Day.” It is a great song with a message that basically says to love one another. Be a good person. Live a good life. And I love that song. The message is great.
Go against the grain. You can’t turn back time. You can’t live twice. Forgive your enemies. And what I think is the best line in the song, “Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?”
See? Now that is a song I can get behind and they are basically saying everything that I think Jesus would say if he were around today. They are promoting a lifestyle that God would look upon and smile. And it also happens to have great music and kick ass drums… It is just a great song…
But then there are all these songs sung by people with no balls who whine about how much they love God and I just cannot stand it. It is wuss rock. And I don’t hate it because it is about God. I hate it because they all follow the same “No Testicular Fortitude Formula.” And yet, if I start a conversation with “Man, I hate Christian music,” I would be perceived by most as Anti-God or some type of atheist.
This is the conundrum. How can you detest Retarted Clarence without being perceived as a jerk yourself? How can you hate Christian music without seeming Anti-Christian? This is a question I have been wondering about and so it makes it into my blog.
Man, I need to get back to talkin’ about comic books or video games. All this thinking makes my head hurt… So if you will excuse me, I am going to follow some good advice and make my mark by mending a broken heart. Ladies, call for your appointment. It’s $500 for the hour or $2K for the whole night. Just leave Retarded Clarence at home. I hate that guy…

Hero or Villain?

I believe it was P.T. Barnum that says something along the lines of: “You can say whatever you want about me in the paper as long as you spell my name right.” The adaptation of that is that any press is good press… I have read books where people say that you should do things to keep you in the spotlight – even if it is controversial. Nowhere is this more evident than in the NFL. “Broadway” Joe Willie Namath, Terrell Owens, Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, and Brett Favre are classic examples.
But I often wonder if Mr. Barnum could even spin something as horrific and damaging as the accusations of child molestation.
And, of course, I bring this up because of the proclaimed “King of Pop” and the death of Michael Jackson. I was born in 1974. As a kid, at the time of the release of the Thriller album (yes, I had the old vinyl 33 rpm record), there was no bigger star in the world. Michael Jackson. Man, everyone had that record. Everyone did the dance moves (or tried to). He was the biggest thing in the world.
And back when he was normal, everyone loved him… then he seemed to go a little… well… Okay, I’ll say it. No need to tap dance on a grave. The guy went crazy. With that much fame and wealth, maybe we all go crazy. There was a reason the tabloids called him “Wacko Jacko.”
But you have to go back. Remember the times when he was normal and black and putting out great music. But then the sales started to dip, interest waned… There was all the plastic surgery, the baby dangling incident… and then the allegations of child molestation. I know he was acquitted in a court of law but if you are paying $15 Million of hush money to a family (according to ABC News), there was something pretty bad…
So all of this begs the question? How will this artist be remembered? Will anyone remember him for great songs like Man in the Mirror, Billie Jean, or Black & White?
I guess only time will tell. I got my first text joke at about 10 o’clock the night of his death, which was about six hours after his death. The media frenzy and how fast information travels is amazing these days.
There is an adage that the second a person dies they immediately become a saint. This is because you forget about all the bad things they did or the arguments that you had because there is no way to ever make amends with them. But there are some wrongs that cannot be righted. How will he be remembered? Will the stigma of that child molestation mar a once brilliant career? Did it really happen? Who knows? There was a time where Jackson was one of the most famous people in the world and now I am curious to see how the world will remember.

Happy Steak & BJ Day and Moving Ahead (Giggity) with Projects

See what I did? See what I did in the title there. Using the word “ahead” to tie the two headlines together? Look I did it again with “headlines.” Man, I am clever.
So I am on here today, March 14th to wish everyone a Happy Steak & BJ Day. This is the male twin holiday counterpart to Valentine’s Day. If you need to know more, click here. It's not an official holiday yet but dammit it could be!
Also, I am happy to announce that I am back on the horse regarding my latest comic book project. I am dedicating myself to three pages a day and taking Sundays off to give me a slight reprieve. If figure that working a full schedule and writing three pages is totally doable without my brain resorting to what I have affectionately called in the past “brain puddining.” It is that state that kids get when coming out of the ACTs or SATs. It is a state of mental exhaustion that occurs when you just try to wring too much information out of the sponge you call your brain.
I offset this with doing blog entries, watching a TV episode on DVD, doing housework, or having a quick go on a video game. Still this is a pretty big project and I am trying not to get burned out too fast. My theory is that the more I convert this into a full time job, the more water the sponge can hold and the more I can wring out of it at a single sitting. If I could write full time every day, much like building muscle, I am sure I will be able to devote to a larger page count. But, for now, I’m pretty satisfied with three pages a day. Not showing off, not falling behind.
Hopefully more official announcements for this very soon. Back to battle.

Need a CEO to Run Your Company Into the Ground? Welcome to RMF Enterprises!

I’ve never professed to be an intellectual aristocrat. I am by no means a superior scholar. And I am not go to sit here and spout how my business acumen and skills in the bulls and bears market is superior to anyone. And yet, we have seen story after story of big business executives running major corporations into the ground… and getting paid millions of dollars to do it.
Case in point, take uber-douche bag John Thain, who is now the former CEO of Merrill Lynch & Co. This turd burglar spent $1.2 million redecorating his downtown Manhattan office in 2008 as the company was firing employees and posting record losses.
Thain hired Los Angeles-based decorator Michael Smith. Thain paid Smith $837,000 and his purchases included $87,000 for area rugs, $25,000 for a pedestal table and $68,000 for a 19th-Century credenza.
If I ever saw this guy on the street, I would junk punch him into tomorrow. The money he spent to redecorate his frickin’ office could support my family for the rest of our lives.
So hey, moron companies out there who are paying the CEOs extravagant amounts of money! Are you paying your CEO ten million dollars a year? Hire RMF Enterprises. We will run your company into the ground for half the cost. I’ll settle for five million a year. Look at that. I just saved your company five million dollars and I can’t do any worse than the inmates you’ve got running your asylum right now!

Step on up. Any takers? I’m sitting anxiously waiting for your email…

My Breadth of Worthless Knowledge is Infinite

I have often said that if I could ever focus my abilities towards the forces of good, I could probably cure cancer. Instead of focusing on math, history, and the sciences, I focus on pop culture, movie trivia and comic book minutiae. I have always said that my head is filled with useless knowledge. I can tell you how many focusing crystals Darth Vader’s lightsaber has, the resonance frequency of the U.S.S. Enterprise-E, and the molecular composition of Captain America’s shield. I play a game at work with the employees where they name any actor or actress and I can link them in six jumps to Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is a sickness really.
So the other day, a friend of the family spots me in the store and come up to me clearly needed an answer to a question. “So in Star Wars, when they are on that ice planet,” [technically it was The Empire Strike Back and the planet is Hoth] “they had those animals that they rode…” Without missing a beat I said, “Tauntauns.” (This was the creature that froze out in the wastes. Han Solo slices its belly open with Luke’s lightsaber and stuffs him inside for warmth.)
And with that the question was answered. The reason is because her new dog apparently makes noises that resemble the bipedal steeds. She would later go on to name the dog “Tauntaun.” But out of everyone she knew, she knew I was the person that could answer her question.
Sometimes being a geek is a curse. But it is a burden I am happy to bear…

A Case of Mistaken Identity (a.k.a. I’m Not Reading Twilight)

I am a big reader. Hopefully, being a semi-professional author (I’m still not used to saying that), that should not come as a big surprise to anyone. If you are an aspiring author, my best advice to you is simple.
Read.
Read anything and everything. By doing so, you can see how the published professionals do it. See how they put a story together and then find your own voice.
Still, here is a staggering statistic. Mick Foley (no relation) is a #1 New York Times Best Selling Author and professional wrestler. In his 2001 book Foley is Good (and the real world is faker than wrestling), he levies a staggering number that 70% of all adults never read a book after completing school. 70%!
But while appalling, that number is not far fetched. Say that a paperback book costs $7.00. If a book sells 100,000 copies (making $700,000) it is a runaway best seller. Howard Stern’s Private Parts shocked the literary world in 1993 by selling over a million copies. (I’ve read that book. It is hysterical.) Now, let’s say that your average movie ticket price is $7.00. If a movie only makes $700,000, it is considered a massive flop.
And here is some impressive numbers for you just to show the disparity. According to Variety, The Dark Knight grossed $996.8 million worldwide. Iron Man grossed $581.9 million. But I think that is probably safe to say that you could take the sales of all Batman and Iron Man related comic book sales for 2008 and you would be hard pressed to sell even 1% of that.
So movies are certainly the new genre for my generation. Writing a book is not a big deal anymore. Getting the movie deal, that is where the money is.
I’m kind of between projects right now (waiting on editors), so I have been catching up on my reading. My favorite author of all time is R.A. Salvatore and I absolutely love his Forgotten Realms book series. I have been reading them since I was about fourteen years old. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Salvatore’s work is the reason why I write. In many of his dust jacket covers, the blurbs say that Salvatore received a copy of The Lord of the Rings as a gift and after reading it promptly changed his major in college. That book changed his life. I would love to meet him one day and tell him that The Crystal Shard changed my life.
So because of my writing and schedule I was delayed in reading his 2007 release The Orc King. And since Amy got me his 2008 release The Pirate King for Christmas, I figured I needed to get going and get caught back up on my reading. So I have spent some time over the last week sneaking pages on my breaks and lunches at work. And when people come back and see me reading, many ask what I am reading or assume I am reading the Twilight series.
I must have had four people in one day ask me if I was reading Twilight. When I shared this with Amy, she asked me if I was reading it, I said, “I’m not a fourteen-year-old girl.” To which she sarcastically replied, “You aren’t a twelve-year-old boy but you read Harry Potter.” That is a whole different ball of wax and a blog for another day.
Still, anything that can generate that kind of buzz is a tremendous thing. And I’m not knocking the series of vampire novels by any means. I’m just not into the whole romantic thing. Clearly it is very popular but just doesn’t really sound like my cup of tea. I may check it out later.
Still, it is amazing how many people just do not read. I don’t think it is because they are stupid or illiterate. Maybe lazy. But people just do not read and as an author, that is pretty darn depressing.
But in the meantime I am pretty happy. I am hip deep in the battle for Mithral Hall and the attempted establishment of an orc kingdom under the leadership of Obould Many-Arrows. Heck, I’d write more for this blog but I am a pretty intense part of the book.

Catch everyone on the flip side!

Well, There’s Always Next Year…

Ah those infamous words. “There’s always next year.” The battle cry of the loser. Unfortunately, the New York Giants join those ranks after their loss to the Philadelphia Eagles in the division round of the playoffs. Still, I can’t complain too much. I was really hoping for back to back trips to the Super Bowl but they had an excellent year. Combining that loss with the defeat of the Oklahoma Sooners in the BCS championship and it was just not a good week for football. I am sure Florida and Pennsylvania residents would disagree. Of course my biggest fear is that free agency will pick apart the Giants players and coaching staff during the off-season.

However, the start of the next season seems like a lifetime away. Man, I’m going to miss football…