I know that February is traditionally the month of love and here we are already a third of the way through March but I have been busy. Dedicating time to the blog has been few and far between. Don’t judge me! Seriously though, there was a section back in February that I really wanted to comment on but missed out on the opportunity.
Next February, if you really want to have fun, grab a folding lawn chair, a six pack of beer, and camp out in the romantic section of your local [Insert Store Name Here.] A Wal-Mart, a grocery story, drug store, or even a convenience store would work. Go somewhere where a business is displaying all the standard Valentine’s Day trappings (flowers, balloons, candies, cards, etc.) Then, the day of Valentine’s watch all the pathetic and/or desperate husbands attempting to squeeze romance out of some flimsy product after the best stock has been picked over. It is hysterical. Working at a grocery store, I was able to witness several of these encounters and suddenly had an epiphany (that is what this blog is for after all).
Now, there are two schools of thought regarding Valentines and I have seen both sides. First, like birthdays, Christmases, and anniversaries, if you purchase something for your significant other one year, they will expect it every year… and there is the inevitable pressure to top what you did the previous year. So you can either climb the pressure ladder or do nothing at all. Whichever path you take, you win… and you lose.
Dealing with this, I am reminded of the Albert Einstein quote who once said: “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
I think comedienne Aisha Tyler gave us a modern day version of the quote when she said (talking of Valentine’s Day): “Every year, people have such high hopes for it. Every year there is all this pressure to be perfect. And every year, every girl is like, ‘This is the year I get diamonds!’ And every guys is like ‘This is the year I get a blow job!’ Everybody’s disappointed.”
Now, admittedly, I do not give the whole nine yards every holiday. I try my best but it is hard. You have to mix it up and keep things fresh. This year, I had the financial wherewithal to provide my wife with a number of gifts and romantic trinkets. It was nothing dramatically over the top. It was mainly thoughtful, romantic stuff. Which translates into silky pajamas, a nice collection of roses, a thoughtful custom card, and cubic Zirconium earrings as opposed to g-strings, edible body paints and handcuffs. It was the more traditional Valentine’s Day stuff. Nice, somewhat elegant and as expensive as I could afford. (As I mentioned earlier, I am working in a grocery store right now.)
But here is the epiphany. Everything that I bought was a reflection – a symbol – of my love, if you will. A nice pair of pajamas that are silky and comfortable but not sexy dirty. Earrings I thought she would look nice wearing. Rose that say, “I love you.” Dorky stuffed animals that are cutesy and fun. I did all this to say, “On today of all days, I love you. This is a small reflection of my love for you.” Those were my exact intentions as I perused the “love aisle” at Wal-Mart. Again, money is tight this year.
And I suffered for this. As I was walking around the women’s department looking for pajamas and undergarments, you get some pretty strange looks and the ladies working said department. There is the inevitable “Can I help you find something?” Question. Which is why I was smart to have all the hearts and flowery things and stuffed animals already in my cart that I could point to and say, “Valentines Day shopping for my wife…” For all I know these people think I am some cross-dressing freak and I don’t need those glares upon me as I am in there all the time to look for action figures in the toy aisle. “Look at this one with the Spider-Man action figure.” “Yeah, I saw him last week in the ladies department shopping for bras and boy shorts.” “Ewwww…”
But the point of all this is that I went to task this holiday with the best of intentions in my heart. Sure, I was anticipating a little carnal reciprocation, but I went into this wanting to show my wife how much I love her. What I did NOT do was purchase said items saying, “Well, this ought to keep her from bitching.” Or “This should get her to shut up.” Or “This should keep me out of the doghouse.” [All of these phrases I heard from the aforementioned pathetic husbands.]
Here’s the thing, kids. Here’s the epiphany. If you are grumbling these sentiments as you are passing over your money at the cash register, chances are your whole life is in the doghouse. Why? Because you were doomed from the start. That pathetic looking rose and the half-eaten box of chocolates was not bought to be a symbol of love. You bought it so you didn’t have to hear her gripe… And, to me, that indicates problems on both ends of the relationship.
Just my two cents.
And, ladies, remember. Most of our ideas stem from things that would make us happy. Being nice and massaging your feet is a hint that we like to have our backs massaged from time to time without having to ask. If we bring you strawberries and whip cream, it’s because we like that flavor too. Men are simple creatures, ladies. If we do something elaborate for you, it means we would like to have that elaborate love reciprocated. Just some friendly advice…
Next February, if you really want to have fun, grab a folding lawn chair, a six pack of beer, and camp out in the romantic section of your local [Insert Store Name Here.] A Wal-Mart, a grocery story, drug store, or even a convenience store would work. Go somewhere where a business is displaying all the standard Valentine’s Day trappings (flowers, balloons, candies, cards, etc.) Then, the day of Valentine’s watch all the pathetic and/or desperate husbands attempting to squeeze romance out of some flimsy product after the best stock has been picked over. It is hysterical. Working at a grocery store, I was able to witness several of these encounters and suddenly had an epiphany (that is what this blog is for after all).
Now, there are two schools of thought regarding Valentines and I have seen both sides. First, like birthdays, Christmases, and anniversaries, if you purchase something for your significant other one year, they will expect it every year… and there is the inevitable pressure to top what you did the previous year. So you can either climb the pressure ladder or do nothing at all. Whichever path you take, you win… and you lose.
Dealing with this, I am reminded of the Albert Einstein quote who once said: “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
I think comedienne Aisha Tyler gave us a modern day version of the quote when she said (talking of Valentine’s Day): “Every year, people have such high hopes for it. Every year there is all this pressure to be perfect. And every year, every girl is like, ‘This is the year I get diamonds!’ And every guys is like ‘This is the year I get a blow job!’ Everybody’s disappointed.”
Now, admittedly, I do not give the whole nine yards every holiday. I try my best but it is hard. You have to mix it up and keep things fresh. This year, I had the financial wherewithal to provide my wife with a number of gifts and romantic trinkets. It was nothing dramatically over the top. It was mainly thoughtful, romantic stuff. Which translates into silky pajamas, a nice collection of roses, a thoughtful custom card, and cubic Zirconium earrings as opposed to g-strings, edible body paints and handcuffs. It was the more traditional Valentine’s Day stuff. Nice, somewhat elegant and as expensive as I could afford. (As I mentioned earlier, I am working in a grocery store right now.)
But here is the epiphany. Everything that I bought was a reflection – a symbol – of my love, if you will. A nice pair of pajamas that are silky and comfortable but not sexy dirty. Earrings I thought she would look nice wearing. Rose that say, “I love you.” Dorky stuffed animals that are cutesy and fun. I did all this to say, “On today of all days, I love you. This is a small reflection of my love for you.” Those were my exact intentions as I perused the “love aisle” at Wal-Mart. Again, money is tight this year.
And I suffered for this. As I was walking around the women’s department looking for pajamas and undergarments, you get some pretty strange looks and the ladies working said department. There is the inevitable “Can I help you find something?” Question. Which is why I was smart to have all the hearts and flowery things and stuffed animals already in my cart that I could point to and say, “Valentines Day shopping for my wife…” For all I know these people think I am some cross-dressing freak and I don’t need those glares upon me as I am in there all the time to look for action figures in the toy aisle. “Look at this one with the Spider-Man action figure.” “Yeah, I saw him last week in the ladies department shopping for bras and boy shorts.” “Ewwww…”
But the point of all this is that I went to task this holiday with the best of intentions in my heart. Sure, I was anticipating a little carnal reciprocation, but I went into this wanting to show my wife how much I love her. What I did NOT do was purchase said items saying, “Well, this ought to keep her from bitching.” Or “This should get her to shut up.” Or “This should keep me out of the doghouse.” [All of these phrases I heard from the aforementioned pathetic husbands.]
Here’s the thing, kids. Here’s the epiphany. If you are grumbling these sentiments as you are passing over your money at the cash register, chances are your whole life is in the doghouse. Why? Because you were doomed from the start. That pathetic looking rose and the half-eaten box of chocolates was not bought to be a symbol of love. You bought it so you didn’t have to hear her gripe… And, to me, that indicates problems on both ends of the relationship.
Just my two cents.
And, ladies, remember. Most of our ideas stem from things that would make us happy. Being nice and massaging your feet is a hint that we like to have our backs massaged from time to time without having to ask. If we bring you strawberries and whip cream, it’s because we like that flavor too. Men are simple creatures, ladies. If we do something elaborate for you, it means we would like to have that elaborate love reciprocated. Just some friendly advice…
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